Category Archives: Conversation Skills

End Manipulation

How To Lower The Boom

A long time ago, when I was fresh out of college and working for a big company, I made a costly mistake.

Not billions of dollars costly, but it messed up a design schedule for a product.

I had to tell my boss’ boss, since she was the one in charge.

I was pretty nervous. I thought I might be fired, or killed, or worse.

So I went up into her HUGE office, and told her.

She didn’t blink. She just listened, nodded, and asked a simple question:

“OK. What are you going to do now?”

I had already figured out how to fix things, and I told her.

“OK. When will that be ready?” she asked, still not having put her pen down from what she was doing. I told her, and she thanked me and got back to whatever she was doing.

Just like that.

Interestingly, this is how most EVERY conversation goes, especially those we THINK are going to turn into horrible shout-fests.

So long as you calmly explain yourself, there’s really not much the other person can do.

If they jump up and down, throw a tantrum, and lob a few illogical insults, you can just calmly repeat yourself.

“I understand this makes up upset. And…” and repeat yourself.

You can even add on the magic words at the end, so they don’t feel like you’re slamming the door in their face.

“What do you want to do?”

The trick in being TRULY assertive (and not aggressive, which most people confuse with being assertive) is to calmly state your truth, and ALLOW the other person to respond however they want.

Then if you need to, simply restate your truth, and ask, “What do you want to do?”

Once they realize their temper tantrum won’t work, it will lose it’s effectiveness, and they’ll (usually) become more reasonable.

Of course, like any other linguistic technology, this is a LOT easier on paper than it is in real life.

This is pretty tough when you’re heart is jack-hammering in your chest.

Luckily, there are plenty of exercises you can do on your own, before lowering the “boom.”

And once you see how EASY it is to express your truth, whatever it is, you’ll realize the world is MUCH MORE receptive to your truth than you believe.

Learn How:

Stop Manipulation

Rock Solid Wall Of Confidence

How To Become Unshakeable

Many people wish for fame, and then crash and burn when it happens.

There’s no shortage of Hollywood stories of actors who had it all, but are secretly living self-destructive lives.

It’s also a curious thing that fear of success is just as much an inhibitor of fear of failure.

This also comes across when people fail to set goals.

When setting goals, you’ve got to consider four things.

Present positives, present negatives, future positives, and future negatives.

It’s very easy to focus on the present negatives (the things we don’t like about our current predicament) as well as the future positives (the thing we want).

But we rarely consider what we might be leaving behind, as well as the “bad things” about our future we haven’t considered.

Very often, these have to do with feelings of “social safety.”

One thing we are always worried about (consciously or unconsciously) is being judged by others.

Taken to its extreme, EVERYBODY in the world might judge us negatively, and kick us out of the club.

So the MORE people you interact with, the stronger this “worry” is going to be.

So if you don’t have a rock solid sense of self, this can wear on you.

Unfortunately, it’s not something we can easily predict.

If any of your goals ARE tied to increased social recognition, the closer to your goal you get, the more you’ll feel this underlying worry.

How can you avoid this?

Well, the most popular way is to just play it as safely as possible.

NEVER do anything outside of your comfort zone.

But this is pretty boring.

A more enjoyable (and surprisingly easy) alternative is to slowly build up the STRENGTH of your frame.

To get a rock solid idea of who you are.

AND to simultaneously build in a metaphorical “defense shield” so no matter WHERE you are, and who you are around, you’ll feel safe and at home.

That way, no amount of future fame and social recognition will shake you.

Become Unshakeable:

Stop Manipulation

Mountain Climbing

How To Easily Redefine Yourself

There are a lot of “truisms” that pretty much everybody knows.

But at the same time, these same “truisms” are rarely experienced by anybody.

We hear them all the time, and we see people say them with conviction.

This gives us kind of a “fake” knowing that they are true.

For example, few people would argue that there’s no air on the moon.

We’ve seen pictures of guys in spacesuits, and we can sort of imagine that without any “atmosphere” there’d be no air to breathe.

But suddenly finding ourselves on the moon and gasping for breath would be a completely different experience.

Right now, when somebody says, “there’s no air on the moon,” we nod and agree.

But if we had the EXPERIENCE of not being able to breathe on the moon, we would respond COMPLETELY differently to the same statement.

This is the difference between “hearing” those truisms over and over and thinking that we “believe” them and actually experiencing them.

One of these famous “truisms” is that “most of our fears or false.”

Or somebody famous once saying, “My biggest fears in life have never happened.”

While we would all AGREE that our biggest fears are “false” very few of us have any experiencing PROVING this “fact.”

But anybody that has been in any kind of “group therapy” or to any type of “AA” meeting KNOWS this.

Part of the process is admitting some of the horrible things you’ve done.

Things you’ve kept bottled up forever.

Things you think will make people want to banish you from society.

But then you say them, and everybody looks at you passively.

Finally the leader says, “Thanks for sharing. Anybody else?”

Just like that, your biggest fear, gone.

POOF!

Nothing.

Maybe a couple nods from a couple people, but that’s about it.

This is what happens when we tell the world who we really are.

We are TERRIFIED they will reject us.

TERRIFIED they will banish us.

But no matter HOW we “define ourselves” the response will be the same.

“Oh, OK. Cool.”

Sure, we might have to repeat ourselves a couple times to certain individuals, but that’s about it.

So, how would YOU like to DEFINE yourself?

Or RE-DEFINE yourself?

Because here’s another “truism” that is super easy to “prove”:

The world will treat YOU just like YOU treat YOU.

And YOU can treat yourself however you want.

Learn How:

Stop Manipulation

Healing Energy

What Is The Meaning Of You?

What does “meaning” mean?

It’s a squishy concept.

It’s worse because some meanings are “easier” to accept than others.

Just like some food is “easier” to eat than others.

For example, if you’re hungry, there’s a couple things to consider.

One is how “easily” you can get the food.

Another is how “good” it will taste.

A third is how “healthy” the food is.

But since the “healthy-ness” of the food is not dependent on ONE single meal, it’s easy to dismiss.

So let’s say that in our hypothetical example, “healthy-ness” is a concern, but not a very big one.

So we’ve got two choices.

A big juicy cheeseburger (or your favorite fast food) which can be in your hands in less then five minutes.

OR you could go the grocery store, buy the ingredients, and cook something that’s as tasty, and a little bit healthier.

The cheeseburger is the EASIER choice.

But it’s also pretty clear that there is a better choice, that is also MORE DIFFICULT.

It’s the same with meaning.

The meaning we give to events when there is no way to really KNOW what the meaning is.

You smile at somebody and they don’t smile back.

What does that “mean?”

The EASY meaning is that they aren’t interested or attracted to you.

It doesn’t require a lot of brainpower. (Like eating the cheeseburger doesn’t require a lot of cooking power).

But could there be a BETTER meaning?

Unless you are going to go ask them, (and prove yourself right or wrong) why not?

If eating certain foods can (even though it’s a bit more difficult) keep us healthier, and even ALIVE longer, what about thinking specific thoughts?

Choosing specific, or at least, more helpful meanings.

Certainly, it’s not easy, it’s not automatic, and it takes effort.

Just like choosing healthy food to put in our body isn’t easy, isn’t automatic, and takes effort.

But the benefits are enormous.

Health, long life, more happiness, better sleep, better (more) sex.

What is the MOST IMPORTANT meaning you can choose for your ENTIRE LIFE?

The meaning you apply to yourself.

This is the “meaning” you project to the world, all the time.

The meaning YOU give to yourself will impact every decision, every relationship, and ever act you make.

Sadly, most of us have meanings that were GIVEN to them by others.

And we just accepted them.

But we don’t need to.

We can shrug them off, and choose different meanings.

It’s not easy, it’s not automatic, and it takes effort.

But it very well could be the MOST IMPORTANT decision you ever make.

Learn How:

Stop Manipulation

End Boundary Invasions

Develop An Unbreakable Shield

My friend has a couple of kids I play with from time to time.

Usually this means me chasing them around.

Sometimes they’ll use the idea of a protective “force field” to keep me away.

We’ve never talked about it, or sat down and hammered out the specific rules of me chasing them around.

Just sometimes they stop, turn and put out both palms, and yell “Force Field!”

I don’t know where they got this from, but the unwritten rule (I’m not even sure how well they can read and write anyway) is that when they use it, I have to obey it.

Funny things is they also know you’re not supposed to use it all of the time.

But it’s something we all understand and adhere to.

The idea of a protective “force field” is pretty ubiquitous in all stories.

Whether it’s on Star Trek or an actual big defensive wall that all the characters from The Lord of the Ring hid behind in the second movie (Helm’s Deep), the idea has been around for a LONG time.

That there is the idea of “us in here” and “those people out there.”

And between “us” and “them” is this protective shield.

One of the hallmarks of their famous Roman Army was their ability to arrange their individual shields together in one indefensible wall.

Same with the Spartans.

In interpersonal communication, we talk about the idea of “frame.”

Whoever can control the “frame” is the one who controls the “meaning” of the conversation.

But much DEEPER than the idea of “frame” (which relies on consciously chosen meaning) is the idea of “sense of self.”

If you have an UNCERTAIN sense of self, it’s difficult to hold a strong frame.

Like when my friend’s kids go on attack. They can run at me with all their might, but unless they get lucky, they’ll NEVER be able to knock me over.

This is what it’s like when you have a ROCK SOLID sense of self.

No matter how powerful the other person’s “attack” is, you just stand there and look at them, waiting for them to finish.

Just like playing with little kids.

Even if they got REALLY ANGRY, and started punching my shins with fury, I wouldn’t ever worry about ME getting hurt. I would be worried about WHY they were so angry.

Similarly, in real life, when you have massive confidence, and a rock solid sense of self, you will fear NO ONE. No matter WHAT they are saying.

You’ll just look at them curiously, and wonder why they’re so agitated about whatever they are agitated about.

The FLIP SIDE of this is when YOU approach OTHERS with this same rock solid sense of self, they’ll look at YOU like little kids look at adults.

As a source of authority, protection and guidance.

Learn How:
Stop Manipulation

Tune Into Their Wavelength

How To Make Their Desires Sticky

When I was a kid me and my friends used to like playing with static electricity.

If you took a balloon that was filled, and rubbed it on your hair, you could pull your hair up.

For kids, it looked like some kind of magic.

There’s that saying that if science is sufficiently advanced beyond our understanding, it will look like magic.

This is in a few time travel movies, most famously “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court,” by Mark Twain.

The guy was about to be executed, but because he knew when there was going to be an eclipse, he said he was going to blot out the sun.

They believed him and he escaped.

There are plenty of other examples in stories, and history, or advanced cultures bringing scientific devices to primitive places.

One thing that seems mysterious and magical to many people is the idea of human nature.

But plenty of people have shown again and again that human behavior is much more scientific.

Perhaps we like to believe in magic, or perhaps we don’t like the idea of our actions being so predictable.

In Cialdini’s famous work, “Influence,” he demonstrated that influence is much more science than art.

And by understanding certain principles, and applying them correctly, you can get some scientifically consistent results.

One of these principles is that humans have unlimited wants and needs.

If you just sit there, your desire for oxygen will turn into a desire to get rid of carbon dioxide.

On a molecular level, your body NEVER rests.

Mentally it’s the same. We ALWAYS have unfulfilled wants.

They may be tiny, like something to drink or they may be huge, like the need to escape an alien invasion.

But they’ll always be there.

And one way to get people in a VERY GOOD mood, is to get them talking about those wants and needs.

Especially under a best case scenario.

You’ll find that building up their general desires, no matter WHAT they are, will make them “sticky.”

Just like rubbing a balloon will make IT sticky, and lift your hair up.

When you get their desires big and sticky enough, you can attach them to anything.

Learn How:

Hypnotic Sales

What Do They Know?

Make Them Fall In Love With You

Many kinds of skilled labor requires you have your own tools.

And you take them with you from job to job.

Other jobs give you the tools, and the training.

As an employer, which would you rather have?

Both have their own benefits.

If somebody’s already got the skills and the tools, they can hit the ground running pretty quickly.

On the other hand, they can also bounce if a better opportunity comes up.

If you train somebody and give them the tools, they might be a little bit more motivated to stay, especially if you had them sign a contract.

Which would you rather be?

Somebody that had the skills and the tools, or somebody that needed to be trained, and be provided the tools?

It’s nice to be in the situation where somebody IS willing to train you.

The problem is that this is the situation most people find themselves in.

Hoping to BE trained, and hoping to BE provided the tools.

Which means the person hiring you can pretty much pick and choose whomever they want.

Any company that has a good training system, and a set of tools to go along with it KNOWS they can be selective.

It’s generally as good idea to come as prepared as you can.

Already having the skills, and the tools.

What kind of skills and tools?

If you’re going to be rebuilding carburetors, that’s one set of skills and tools

But there is one set of skills (and tools) which work in nearly any business.

Even in most settings.

And those are communication skills.

Not just the skills to order a burrito at a restaurant.

But the ability to talk to anybody, and build up huge desire.

A desire for you, your ideas, your product and services.

This skill can get you hired, get you dates, get you upgrades to first class, and anything else that requires the decision of another person.

While everybody else is say, “pick me! pick me!” you’ll be telling wonderful stories that will make YOUR idea the natural outcome of ANY conversation.

Learn How:

Hypnotic Sales

Magical Fire Energy

Find Your Secret Energy Source

Many of the words we use have tons of different meanings.

Take the word “economy” for example.

When Clinton successfully beat Bush back in ’92, his slogan was, “It’s the economy, stupid!”

In this context, “economy” means the entirety of all transactions.

The implications was that he understood the “economy” was in trouble, and he was going to fix it.

People took this to mean that individuals would get better jobs, better pay, etc.

When marketers use the word “economy” they often combine it with the term, “size.”

The idea being that when you buy in bulk (economy size) your price is less per gram or unit or whatever.

Because our energy use as individuals has ALWAYS been a concern, our entire evolutionary history is based on how well we “economize.”

The more efficient we are with energy usage, the more successful we’ll be as individuals.

One of my favorite lines from Star Trek is when Scotty (the engineer who took care of the engines) was talking to an engineer from another ship.

He asked the other engineer how fast their ship would go.

He gave him an answer.

Then Scotty asked him how fast the ship would REALLY go.

And the other engineer gave Scotty the same answer.

Scotty looked puzzled, and ask if the other captain knew this information.

The other engineer nodded yes, as if it were a silly question.

Scotty looked at him and said, “Aye, laddie, never tell the captain how fast the ship will REALLY go!”

The idea being that it’s always good to have some secret energy in “reserve.”

Mother Nature had the same idea.

It seems that we humans always have more energy than we realize.

For example, you might feel pretty lazy and sluggish.

Too tired to even change the channel with the remote.

But if you suddenly saw a snake slither across the floor, you’d get a burst of energy.

Paradoxically, we always have to “economize” our energy, but we always have some in our secret reserve tank.

Luckily, our world today is FAR LESS dangerous than it was when we were created.

Which means we can use FAR MORE of our existing energy, and still have plenty in the tank.

The problem is finding it.

And then changing it into a usable source.

Luckily, that’s pretty easy.

Learn How:

Sex Transmutation

Energy Ball

Should You Split The Un-Splittalbe?

Once upon a time, splitting the atom was the holy grail of science.

The word “atomic” means “the most basic.”

Which means when they first called it an “atom” they thought it was the smallest possible thing.

They chose a name that meant, “the smallest possible thing.”

So the sentence, “split the atom” has a lot of significance.

It sort of means, “split the un-splittable.”

Understanding the historical concept, (creating a bomb more powerful than anybody could ever imagine) conjures up all sorts of mythology and metaphors.

Pandora’s box, for example.

Or the apple (knowledge) that the devil tricked Eve into eating.

In a very real way, it can easily be argued that there are some things that our human brains are better off not knowing.

Even used peacefully, for energy, it may turn out that splitting the atom may be much more trouble than it’s worth.

If you’re into conspiracy theories, there are stories of a giant coverup, that the Fukushima meltdown (that they are still having trouble dealing with) is going to eventually kill us all.

All of the radioactive water is being pumped into the ocean, which will eventually kill all the life, which will ultimately kill all living things on Earth.

As far as conspiracy theories go, it’s a doozy!

All because we dumb humans wanted to split the atom.

But there’s another way to use the atom.

And it creates MUCH MORE energy, and it’s much safer.

Instead of splitting the unsplittable (fission) the opposite would be to JOIN the unsplittable (fusion).

Fusion is what powers the sun, and subsequently ALL LIFE on earth.

Maybe we’re stuck in one of those disaster movies, where there’s a race against time.

We dumb humans have to discover how to harness the ultimate in cheap, clean energy (fusion) before we kill ourselves with Pandora’s Box, or Eve’s Apple.

Who would have thought such a tiny thing would cause so much problems?

You have a similar situation within yourself.

A POWERFUL energy source.

You can use it like fission, and deal with the likely consequences.

OR you can use it like FUSION, and have ultimate, clean energy that can power your human journey to levels unheard of in common life.

Learn More:

Sex Transmutation

Be Different

What Have You Invented Today?

When I was a kid I had this electronics kit.

It was a “75 in 1” kit from Radio Shack.

It had a whole bunch of different circuit components.

And by hooking them together in different configurations, you could make 75 different electronic circuits.

The most exciting part was creating them for the first time.

But after I’d gone through all of them once or twice, it wasn’t as exciting, since you knew what was going to happen.

So I started to experiment.

I would hook the circuits up to the light in my bedroom, for example.

This is the natural human tendency when we run out of things to discover.

We invent more things to discover.

Now, most people don’t consider themselves “inventors.”

Most people don’t consider themselves “entrepreneurs” either.

But take away the finances, the fame and fortune, and that’s EXACTLY what we are.

The entirety of human history is inventing new things.

Even little kids who are bored will INVENT new games to play.

Every time you’ve found a better, simpler, more enjoyable way to do something, you have used your inner entrepreneur.

The only difference between normal, everyday entrepreneurialism (the stuff you do every day) and people that introduce themselves as “Entrepreneurs” at parties is monetization.

Back when I was in college, my major was physics.

There was kind of rivalry between physics majors and engineering majors.

A joke (that was funny to both sides) was, “What do you call an engineer? A physicist with a job.”

People that make their living as entrepreneurs are using their natural human talents, the same talents YOU have, to get paid.

If any part of your job is to “figure stuff out on your own” without being told EXACTLY what to do, you are being paid to be an entrepreneur.

Because this what entrepreneurs do. They solve problems.

Fortunately, you don’t have to quit your regular job, or endanger ANY source of income to tap your inner entrepreneurial money maker.

Even if you NEVER want to make money as an entrepreneur, and introduce yourself at parties as an entrepreneur, developing your NATURAL skills of creativity and inventiveness will take you a long ways.

Get Started:

Entrepreneurial Mind