Tag Archives: Communication

This Is Not My Beautiful House

They’ll Want You More

When I was a kid we had this dirty trick we’d play on each other.

You told your buddy that if you rubbed your palms really hard together, in a certain direction, it would make them smell like roses.

Then when the “sucker” put his palm up to smell it, somebody would push it into his face.

Then everybody would run, and the “sucker” would chase us.

Then we would all go and do it to somebody else.

As you can guess, it didn’t take long before all the kids knew the “con.”

But the structure has been around for a long time.

Using people’s natural tendencies against them.

This is how goofs like Jim Jones build massive cults that willingly follow him to their deaths.

But driving skills, as they say, can be used to drive a getaway car or an ambulance.

Or a hammer can be used to build a beautiful home or to destroy something.

For example, a very common tendency for us humans, when we hear somebody tell us about their big plans, is to question them.

And not neutrally, usually from a slightly “critical” viewpoint.

Trouble is most of us tell ourselves that we’re “just trying to help.”

Like somebody says they are going on a trip alone to a foreign country.

We say something like, “Wow, isn’t that kind dangerous?”

We pretend that we’re concerned, but in reality we’re jealous.

We’d LOVE to be able to do the same thing, but for one reason or another, we don’t.

And most people don’t really like the idea of other people doing all the fun stuff.

So we throw out the “Wow, isn’t that dangerous?” statement, pretending to be concerned, but really trying to throw a tiny wet blanket on their plans.

OF course, since everybody does this to everybody I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end quite a few times.

What’s the antidote?

To simply do the opposite.

Instead of saying something silly like, “Wow, isn’t that dangerous?” We can ask them a question that PRESUPPOSES they will be able to handle ANYTHING that comes up.

And this actually WILL help them.

Not only that, but it will make them feel much better about what they’re doing.

The cool thing is you can use this “trick” ANY TIME somebody is talking to you about something they want.

Even if they only “halfway” want it.

By the time the finish talking to YOU, they’ll want it a lot more.

And they’ll associate that WANT with YOU.

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Weaponized Language

De-Weaponized Language Patterns

One of the powerful patterns of covert hypnosis is something called “linguistic presuppositions.”

It’s kind of sentence that requires we accept part of it before we answer the sentence.

People use them all the time without knowing it, but often the wrong way.

For example, if you walk in a retail shop, the clerk might say, “Can I help you?”

Which is easy to say, “No, thank you.” Since it’s a simple question.

But what if he or she says, “How can I help you today?”

It’s ALMOST the same, but not quite. He or she is PRESUPPOSING that they ARE going to help you, it’s just a question of HOW.

If you can imagine both, you’ll find the second takes a bit longer to shake your head and say, “No, thank you.”

Simple questions, especially if they are said politely, are hard to ignore, from a structural standpoint.

Meaning part of us wants to answer the “how” part but then we decide not to before shaking our head.

While the first question, (can I help you) takes a lot less time and mental processing power.

Most people use these linguistic presuppositions to HIDE THINGS they don’t want questioned.

A FANTASTIC way to see how these are used negatively is by listening to how reporters phrase their questions to politicians they don’t like.

Weaponized language patterns.

I’m sure you know people who are EXPERTS at using weaponized language patterns.

They ask a question, and there’s some nasty stuff embedded in there, and you aren’t sure if you should answer them or punch them in the face.

But you can, as they say, flip the script.

Presuppose POSITIVE THINGS about the person you are talking to, they’ll feel really good, and they won’t know why.

What kinds of things?

Everybody wants a better future.

And everybody has anxiety about their future.

Which means they’re worried about their future.

All you’ve got to do is talk to them and presuppose their future will be BRIGHT, and any potential problems will be TINY.

And just by answering your carefully worded questions, they’ll feel FANTASTIC and they might not even know why.

But they’ll know it has something to do with YOU.

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Peanut Butter Burger

Why Giving Advice Sucks

One time I was supposed to meet a couple of friends in Scotland.

I had arrived a couple day earlier. It was for a three week backpacking trip.

However, I had arrived late at night, and I wasn’t sure where I was going to stay.

This was before smartphones, so I couldn’t look anything up easily.

As I was standing there, jet lagged (after flying for twelve hours and taking a train for another three), dazed and confused, an old guy came up.

“Son, you look lost,” he said. He sounded a lot like Sean Connery, but with a mouthful of marbles.

He showed me where a bunch of cheap hotels, for which I was grateful.

Most of the time, though, when some stranger comes out of nowhere to offer advice, it’s rarely taken with a hundred percent gratitude.

Especially if the advice has some kind of ulterior motive behind it.

Most people have heard that giving unasked for advice rarely works.

Why is this?

Consider the presuppositions.

Imagine you’re at the grocery store, looking at the different flavors of peanut butter. You’re going to go home and make a sandwich.

Then some goof comes out of nowhere and acts like he’s the holder of supreme peanut butter knowledge.

What does this presuppose?

It presupposes that before he even introduces himself, he looks at you and KNOWS that HE knows MORE about peanut butter than you do.

Which is kind of insulting.

AND it robs us of the pleasure of peanut butter discovery.

This is why it rarely feels good if somebody we don’t know gives us unasked for advice.

It presupposes they know more about the situation than we do.

Even when people we know give us advice, it still doesn’t feel right.

Because it has the same presupposition of “superiority.”

Unfortunately, for most of us, this ALL WE KNOW when it comes to influencing others.

Sure, we find out a little bit about what they want, but that’s usually just the tip of the iceberg.

Then we proceed to tell them (or suggest to them) why they should do what WE want based on the little information they’ve given us.

It still is kind of insulting.

We’re basically telling them that with only that LITTLE BIT of information, we know MORE about the situation than they do.

This is why any kind of sales always has both low conversation rates and high stress.

You’re GIVING ADIVCE to people hoping they’ll buy something.

Luckily, there is another way.

Not just in sales, but any time you want to influence others.

And it doesn’t rely on YOU at all.

All them. All their ideas. All you’ve got to do is turn off your brain and ask a few questions.

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How To Become Attractive

Why Opposite Usually Works

There are a lot of metaphors about doing the opposite of what you think you should do.

A poem by Rumi, the ancient Sufi poet, wrote about how when we “think” we’re walking into the water, we’re really walking into the fire, and vice versa.

If you’ve ever had a crush on somebody and your instincts told you to tell them EVERYTHING, certain that would get them to reciprocate your feelings, you probably found it had the opposite effect.

There’s that old saying that “what we resist persists.” The more we try to avoid something, the more we seem to make it come true.

What feels good in the short term (like eating cheeseburgers and playing video games) usually plays havoc on out long term success.

Even in Star Wars, Obi Won told Luke to “let go and surrender to the force” because he was trying to hard.

This idea shows up in movies, philosophy and everywhere in between.

There was even one episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza did everything the “opposite way” and it worked like a charm.

(Of course, since it was a comedy, he’d do things like walk up to gorgeous women several inches taller than him, tell them he was unemployed and lived with is parents, and they’d fall madly in love with him.)

How can we apply this to real life?

One way is how we get our ideas across to others.

We think if we say the magic words or become super persuasive with our ideas (backed by our pictures in our mind) we’ll somehow override the pictures and ideas in the minds of others.

But if they are doing the same thing (which most everybody is) then it turns into an “idea contest.” Or a “who can describe their ideas the best” contest.

The interesting thing is our ideas are pretty vague. Ours and everybody else’s.

Which means if you ditch your ideas (just for a little bit) and expand THEIR ideas, something pretty cool will happen.

One is they’ve likely never had anybody do this before.

Two is that the bigger their ideas (wants needs and desires) get, the “stickier” they’ll get.

Meaning they’ll start to see EVERYTHING (including you) through their newly expanded wants, needs and desires.

If you look at everything through a blue filter, everything will look blue.

If they look at everything through their wants, needs, and desires, they’ll see that as well.

It’s not intuitive, it’s certainly opposite, but it works like crazy.

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Happy Boy

How To Impress Nearly Everybody

One thing I’m a big sucker for is kitchen gadgets.

I like to cook, and I like buying stuff.

Once I was walking from one section of town to another, where all the taxis were. I decided to cut through a big building which contained a department store in the basement.

I was intending to just use the restroom on my way to the taxi stand. But when I came out I’d purchased an espresso machine.

As long as it doesn’t create problems (like racking up huge credit card debt) buying stuff is pretty fun.

Especially when you’ve had your eye on something for a while.

It’s cool to do research, find out all you can about something.

One thing that can ruin this experience is a high-pressure sales person.

One of the reasons we don’t like them is they try to put THEIR ideas into our heads.

Like if you’re looking at an espresso machine, for example, and some salesperson comes up and starts rattling off all the features and benefits of all the different machines.

“This one is ultra high capacity! It can produce seventeen gallons of espresso per minute, making you the star of all those coffee parties you plan on having!”

The “feature-benefit” strategy is great if the customer doesn’t really know what they want, AND they are willing to let the salesperson fill their brain with a bunch of strange ideas. (like a rapid fire espresso machine).

Unfortunately, this rarely works.

And equally unfortunately, this is the communication style most of us use.

When we meet somebody for the first time, it’s natural to want to “impress” them for one reason or another. Get them to like us.

But if you start spitting out stories (like the time you went skydiving and your chute didn’t open and you had to build a backup parachute out of your socks), they MAY be impressed, but then again, they may not.

If you mix in any kind of anxiety, trying to tell impressive stories can be pretty difficult.

Luckily, there’s a much EASIER way. A much more simple way.

One you can use no matter what you’ve done, or what you haven’t done.

And it will work on pretty much anybody.

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Always Be Chasing Something Important

Get Women To Follow You

Most guys would do anything to get “a girl” to like them.

Unfortunately, when it’s gotten to that point, where you like her and she’s already decided she doesn’t like you, it’s too late.

The thing about us people is our brains are really pretty simple.

And by understanding how our brains operate, it’s pretty easy to get us to do stuff, (or get others to do stuff) if you know what you’re doing.

EXCEPT if they’ve made a clear decision BEFORE they interact with you that they DON’T want to do what you’re going to try and persuade them to do.

For example, if you walk onto a car lot and your main goal is to NOT buy a car, it’s going to be VERY HARD to sell you a car.

On the other hand, if you kind of, sort of want a new car, you’ll be a lot easier to persuade.

Which means, if that girl you like has ALREADY DECIDED she’s not interested in dating you, there’s not much you can do.

So it’s much better to focus on other girls.

But when you do that, it’s really pretty simple.

The easiest way to become VERY attractive to many girls is to have a huge plan for your life that will ALWAYS be MORE IMPORTANT than any girl.

This has to be real, it can’t be faked.

Women are hard wired to FOLLOW MEN. Many women are angry today because most men have NOTHING they are going after, which makes it VERY HARD to follow them.

Which means a lot of women are stuck doing the leading, which they HATE.

At least from a sexual-attraction standpoint.

All you need to do is take some time, figure out what you are going to chase (dreams, goals, visions) for your life.

And then start chasing it.

The effect on the women in your life will be profound.

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Social Confidence

The Hidden Ingredient To Standing Out

When you go on a job interview, (or any kind of interview) what kinds of questions do they ask?

Lots of books have been written on the subject.

People spend lots of time role-playing and coming up with the best way to answer the more difficult questions.

But sometimes they throw you a curve ball.

They aren’t really interested in the answer itself, it’s how you behave when something unexpected happens.

The more money any job pays, the more these situations will come up.

Anybody can follow a simple, step by step process.

In fact, a lot of those jobs will be gone in the next couple decades.

Replaced by robots who ONLY know how to follow EXACT step by step instructions.

Since most high paying jobs involve a LOT of “thinking on your feet” they want to see how you actually “think on your feet.”

They ask silly questions like, “If you were an inch high and stuck inside of a blender, how would you get out?”

Knowing how to answer that relies on the SAME TRAIT that people find in “leaders.”

Knowing what to do when something unexpected happens.

When something goes wrong, and it even SEEMS dangerous, most people panic.

They look around, desperate to find somebody of “authority.”

Somebody who’s NOT panicking like them.

Somebody who’s calmly figuring out what’s what.

This quality will help you get VERY FAR.

Because the amount of UNEXPECTED things that happen in life will FAR OUTNUMBER the stuff you can expect.

Even most people PURPOSELY avoid any situations where they might have to “think on their feet.”

However, as harsh and unfair as it sounds, if you purposely avoid situations where you might feel “uncertain” about what to do, you’re not going to have a lot of fun.

Nobody got rich playing it safe.

Nobody met the love of their life playing it safe.

None of the great heroes of literature and history made their mark while playing it safe.

Does this mean they were FEARLESS?

Absolutely not.

But that didn’t hold them back.

How can you GET that quality?

You can BUILD IT, just like any other skill.

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Make Life Easy

Resistance Isn’t Futile, It’s Optional

Make Life Easy

Once a buddy of mine and I went hiking.

We went up a local mountain, and for some reason, we didn’t check the maps before we left.

We followed the trail, but pretty soon we got lost.

We figured if we kept heading uphill, we’d make it eventually.

But soon we found ourselves pushing through very thick brush.

Which meant we had to backtrack until we found the trail.

Kind of embarrassing.

A lot of people plan their future this way. They figure that as long as they keep going forward, they’ll eventually get there.

However, no matter what you’re building in your life, there are easy ways, and there are hard ways.

Obviously, going the easy (or less difficult) way is better. You’ll get their quicker, or build something MUCH bigger in the same amount of time.

Of course, you NEED to go off the beaten path a little bit, otherwise you’ll be following everybody else and getting the same “safe” things that everybody else gets.

But going straight up a hill covered in thick brush (literally or metaphorically) is never a good idea.

One thing that can both hurt you, and help you is other people.

How you think about them, how you interact with them, how you can elicit their help or advice if you need it.

If you choose any goal, and put yourself out in the future after you’ve created it, you can look back and see what helped.

Almost always it will be the relationships you created along the way.

The easier you can do that, the less likely you’ll find yourself stuck.

You can think of your interpersonal or social skills as the ability to go off the beaten path, finding the easiest and quickest way to the top, without getting stuck in a bunch of thick bushes.
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Social Confidence

How To Turn Heads

Social Confidence

What makes people charismatic?

The kind of quality where they walk into a room, and everybody turns to see them.

This can quickly build, and everybody is soon checking out what everybody is checking out.

It’s usually described as a kind of energy, a kind of magnetism.

But what is it really?

One thing about charismatic people is they rarely worry about what other think about them.

But this can’t be the only reason. Plenty of people aren’t really concerned with the opinion of others, but they aren’t exactly charismatic.

Another ingredient in charisma is genuinely liking yourself. Charismatic people tend to enjoy being who they are.

Think back to a time when you were a kid. And you found something cool, or maybe got at cool toy as a gift.

And you couldn’t wait to show it to your friends.

Charismatic people feel that way about themselves. Not in an egotistical way, but in a genuine way.

And not really themselves, but their experience of themselves.

They like being themselves, they like experiencing the world as themselves, and they like how interacting with others can amplify that.

And one crucial ingredient in that is that they have an equal appreciation for others.

When they look at somebody, they don’t worry about getting rejected, or getting bored, or getting judged.

They look at everybody with a positive expectation. And because of this, they tend to bring out the best in others.

This, of course, creates a self-fulfilling loop.

The more they interact with others, they more they prove to themselves that life, most especially other people, is a fantastic adventure.

How can you develop this trait?

Like anything else, it’s a skill you can learn. In particularly, it’s the skill of holding the right mindset when looking out over a group of people.

Instead of wondering if you’ll get accepted or rejected or judged, purposely wonder what cool things you’ll find out about other people.

At first, you don’t need to interact with others. Just watch people, and purposely hold the question in your mind, “I wonder what treasure they have.”

When you purposely hold this frame in mind when being around others, you’ll be on your way.

Pretty soon YOU’LL be the one who walks in the place and turns everybody’s head.

Click Here To Learn How

Social Confidence

Vampire Bats and Heaven

Social Confidence

Isaac Newton was a smart dude.

He came up with a lot of laws of physics, and he also invented calculus.

One of his easy to understand laws are the three rules of motion.

A body at rest tends to stay at rest.

A body in motion tends to stay in motion.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

This last one seems to be true on many levels.

Who knows, many the basic laws of physics are true on EVERY level.

But back to the “action <---> reaction” law.

How can that play in out human nature?

One way is the metaphorical description of heaven and hell.

In hell, everybody has unlimited food, but really, really, long spoons.

They can scoop the food out, but they can’t eat it.

And nobody trusts anybody, and there all scared of each other (it IS hell after all) so they’re always hungry.

Heaven is the opposite.

But the same.

Meaning it’s the same setup, unlimited food and long spoons.

But not only does everybody trust each other, but they are ALL willing to “go first.”

Meaning they KNOW that if they first feed somebody else, it’s only a matter of time before somebody feeds them.

Everybody works together, they’re all fed, and everybody’s happy.

Is this true in nature?

It absolutely is.

Vampire bats (yes, really) do the same thing.

Every night they go out looking for blood (literally).

Some find some, some don’t.

The ones that don’t get fed by their buddies.

They keep a weird “point system.”

Everybody knows who’s been fed, and whose been feeding.

And they ALWAYS pay each other back.

Scientists have been studying them for years.

Now, the animals they steal the blood from probably don’t think they’re a shining example of friendliness.

But in the bat community, they practice the “help others first” strategy, and it keeps their vampire bat community tight.

They know they got each other’s back.

Of course, this works in people as well.

No matter HOW you behave, Newton’s law will prove itself.

If you are shy and worried, people will treat you that way.

Meaning THEY will be shy and worried when they think of interacting with you.

But if you go first, they will reciprocate.

In fact, this “persuasion law” of reciprocation has been proven again and again.

It’s like we CAN’T reciprocate.

Which brings us to the Golden Rule.

Do unto others as you’d like done unto you.

Be friendly, kind and build up their good points.

And they’ll do the same for you.

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