Category Archives: Flirting

Get Girls With Daily Practice

Four Essential Ideas To Increase Success

Much can be learned from observing.

In fact, if you DON’T observe, you’re missing out a ton of free information.

Unfortunately, a lot of people switch to observing as a DEFENSIVE strategy.

Meaning they’re out in public, they see some attractive women they’d like to interact with, but they have social anxiety of some kind.

(EVERYBODY has social anxiety of some kind!)

But they don’t admit that to themselves.

They think that they are “observing,” when they’re really just “wishing” they had enough courage to get in the game.

Which means they are not really learning-observing.

But when you REALLY observe, you can learn A LOT.

Meaning if you SPECIFICALLY go out just to observe people, to watch their behavior, to see how people interact, you can learn a TON.

And this is extremely beneficial when you choose days to OBSERVE, and days to EXPERIMENT.

Both of these are not “normal” days, where you are hoping to actually meet girls and create relationships.

Think of it like martial arts, or some other sports.

There is value in watching videos of other players. (Observation)

There is value in practicing certain moves.(Practice)

Then there is game day. Real life.

Most people don’t consciously choose which is which.

They start out thinking it’s “game day” but then get blown out and redefine it as “practice.

Or they start out thinking it’s “game day” but don’t do ANY approaches, and then later redefine that as “observation.”

But when you clearly distinguish those three, and stick to them, your “game” can be dramatically accelerated.

Especially when you have a framework around to observe, learn, experiment, practice and then let loose on “game day.”

Put all of these together, and your success with women can significantly increase in a very short amount of time.

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The Mystery Behind Cause And Effect

What’s The Meaning Behind That?

I remember several years ago I was driving down the freeway, in a hurry to get someplace. I forget where, so obviously it couldn’t have been very important. I was zipping in and out of traffic, checking for cops behind me every few minutes. Just as I was about to shift over to the lane to my left, a car on the other side of my destination lane merged in, without a signal, without checking, without any obvious sign of recognition that there were other cars on the road.

Furious, I waited until he (at this point I was assuming it was a he) was ahead of me enough so that I could pull in behind him. My plan was to tailgate him for a while, and then pull up along side of him and give him the finger. I tailgated for a couple of minutes, but my rising blood pressure and anger didn’t allow me the patience to torment him long enough, so I pulled quickly up along side to tell him/show him what was what.

Things suddenly changed when I saw who it was.

I remember reading about a strange legal case that happened a while ago. This guy was sitting at one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook in front of you Teppan style. The chef was doing his culinary acrobatics, and one thing led to another, and he tossed a piece of something to the patron sitting there, who was supposed to catch it in his mouth. They had had some dialogue going on, so it wasn’t an out of the blue toss to an unsuspecting customer. The guy snapped his head bad to catch the food, but damaged his neck, due to some extremely strange combination of angles and such. Something that would be nearly impossible to reproduce.

Nevertheless, the poor guy had to be taken to the hospital, and required a couple of surgeries to fix what had happened. The first surgery went OK, they sent him home, but later on he had to go back for another surgery. During his hospital stay after the second surgery, he contracted some kind of infection, and died.

The family tried (unsuccessfully) to sue the restaurant, as they started the whole chain of events that caused his ultimate death. The courts didn’t agree, because there were so many things that happened in between the first event, and his death, that it wouldn’t be reasonable to hold the restaurant responsible.

Then there was that guy who assassinated President Garfield, at least according to the courts. Garfield was getting on a train, and this guy Guiteau shot him a couple times in the back. They weren’t fatal shots; they didn’t hit any major organs. They took him home and his goofball doctors went to work. I say goofball because if in those days (1881) there medical methods were a bit out there. Had they treated him according to standard medical procedures in the day, he may have lived. Instead they did things like check his wounds with dirty hands (despite other doctors having already learned the necessity of antiseptics), they fed him through a rectal tube rather than through his mouth. Almost three months later he died.

At the trial, Guiteau said, “I didn’t kill him, I only shot him. His doctors killed him.” But they hanged him anyway.

Scientists tell us that our brains have evolved a very simple method for determining cause and effect. There are usually several intermediate steps that we overlook when we assume A causes B. It’s usually more like A causes A1, which has an effect on A2, which when combined with A3, has a reinforcing effect on A1, which in turn makes B possible, but not until C has been notified and called into action.

But all we humans see is A, and then B, and assume that A causes B.

They’ve done plenty of experiments on monkeys and babies to see what kind of assumptions we make about cause and effect. The results indicate that we seem to have a pre wired circuitry to assume cause and effect between certain objects. They’ll take a knife, and an apple, and show them to a baby (or a monkey), and then move them behind a screen. Then they’ll show some movement behind the screen, and lift up the screen to show the apple cut in half. This doesn’t get much of a reaction, as it seems to be expected.

Then they’ll take a knife and an apple, but when they lift the screen, they’ll be a balloon or something else completely unexpected. Usually the babies (or the monkeys) stare at this for much longer, as if they are trying to figure out what in the heck just happened.

There’s a whole branch of psychology dedicated to train people to uncouple unhelpful assumptions about cause and effect. We see somebody, they do something, we get angry. We then say that they “caused” our anger. But did they really? Or was it our reaction to our assumption about the meaning of the situation? We say “hi,” and somebody doesn’t return the “hi.” An event. We must give meaning to the event. Their not saying “hi” means they don’t like us. So we must react to that event. Our reaction to them not liking us is hurt feelings. So we react to that. We get angry, how dare they treat us like that. We may utter “asshole!” under our breath.

But what if they just didn’t hear us? What if they were in the middle of some complicated thought, and returning the “hi” would have ruined everything? What if they really thought they said “hi” but their throat was stuck or something?

Our brains are pre wired to survive in an environment that didn’t allow for second-guessing and various alternatives. We had to read the environment, and react quickly, or die. But we don’t have to do that any longer. Since we live in a modern society where we don’t have to hunt for our food, and their aren’t tigers roaming around trying to kill us, we can relax and choose our responses, instead of mindlessly reacting as if we were still cave people. It may take some time, but once you start to practice responding instead of reacting, you’ll notice you have a lot more power and control over your emotions, and it will soon be impossible for anybody to “push your buttons.”

So just as I was about to extend my finger, I saw that it was an old priest at my church that I attended at the time. This guy was about 80 years old, and couldn’t hurt a fly. He was such a gentle old man, that he was guy I went to whenever I used to go to confession. He was always so sympathetic understanding, no matter how horrible I thought my sins were.

Thoroughly ashamed that I had such vicious anger for such a gentle old man, I slowed down, and drove more carefully, and more like a normal human, after that.

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Success with NLP

Success with NLP

Deepen Your Relationships And Skyrocket Your Creativity

Feed Your Brain

There’s this Starbucks that I like to go to on the weekends. In order to get there, I have to take a train, and a streetcar. From the station near my apartment to the main station downtown is seven minutes. From the streetcar stop to the stop just in front of Starbucks is about 8 minutes. If I hurry, I usually get off the train, leave the station, cross the big street and catch the streetcar in about three minutes. From my apartment to the station is about two minutes.

So If I time it right, leaving my apartment just in time to catch the train, and going from the train station to the streetcar stop without issue, my door to door time from my apartment to Starbucks is about twenty minutes. Not bad considering my apartment is located in an area that could easily be considered the boonies, as there are several large fields and open areas, and Starbucks is smack in the middle of downtown, surrounded by high rise buildings.

Coming back is a complete different system. From Starbucks back to the main station is about a 30-minute walk, if I take my time, and 20 minutes if I huff it. Huffing it isn’t all that exciting, so I usually leave at least thirty minutes before I want to catch the train. Between Starbucks and the main station is this long, covered, no cars allowed shopping arcade, with all kinds of stores ranging from casinos and video game centers to comic book stores to bars and café’s.

One think I like to do is to waste time in a controlled manner. Obviously, if I lose track of time, and I only have twenty minutes or so, I don’t have time to stop and window shop, or flirt with whatever girls I may see. I have to walk in a straight line, looking straight ahead, with my mind on the time.

But when I leave earlier, I can afford to wander around like a pinball, bouncing back and forth across the road from shop to shop. A kind of planned time of no plans, or planned spontaneity, if you will. I know what time I need to leave, I know what time I need to arrive at the main station, but I have zero plans for what I will do in between. Only that I will slowly move from point A to point B with out any predetermined path.

I was reading this book on relationships once. Actually it was a book on communication in general, but the particular section I was reading was on relationships. One of the complaints that many people have when their relationship gets passed the “honeymoon” stage is that it gets boring and predictable. While certainly not the only cause, being bored in a relationship is reason enough for some to turn an eye elsewhere for excitement.

One thing that the book suggested was to have some planned spontaneity. Many couples, especially couples with kids, recognize the importance of having “date night” where they do something that they used to do before they settled down and have kids. Unfortunately, many times this “date night” is the same boring, predictable thing that they do again and again, like see a movie, or go out to dinner. While it’s good to get away from the kids once in a while, if you are moving out of one boring and predictable situation into another, it sometimes doesn’t really help out that much.

What this book suggested was planning some kind of activity where you don’t know what is going to happen next. You know you’ll leave the house at 6, and come home at 10, but if you can structure your “date night” so that you don’t really know what’s going to happen, it can have a much more positive effect on your relationship. Of course many people are afraid to try this, as they fear they will fall into the “I dunno, what do you want to do?” trap where they oscillate back and forth for two hours before settling on something just to settle on something.

But what this particular book recommended was to purpose give yourself a starting point and an ending point, and a specified amount of time to travel from one end to the other, or in a loop as the case may be. Like up and down a boardwalk, or around a mall you’ve never been to, or through an area of downtown you’ve never been to at night.

The rationale behind these ideas is that the human mind is set up to always crave new experiences. We learn more of our behaviors by either modeling others and trial and error. If the brain wasn’t set up to always crave new experiences, it would be impossible to learn anything. That’s why movies, TV shows, books, and even gossip is so popular. It’s like candy for the brain. If we don’t involve ourselves in new experiences, the brain starts to crave artificially created ones.

And one powerful way to create a relationship, or to strengthen an existing one is to experience new things together. If you think of all the strong friendships you’ve forged throughout your life, it was likely through a common, and new experience. School, clubs, work, armed forces are all places that we naturally form life long friendships, in large part because we share a common and new experience, the emphasis being on the new.

There’s a reason you don’t become friends with that guy you bump into at the donut shop (or wherever) every morning. While buying your morning donut is a common experience, it isn’t new, so that bond isn’t created.

If you can structure new experiences with somebody you’re already in a relationship with, it can have a profound effect. The more new and unique, exciting and emotionally stimulating the experience is, the deeper the bond will be.

While wandering around downtown might not seem that new and exciting, you can do it in a different way, or go a different direction, or even make it a point to try a new restaurant every week. That way you can get into the mindset of exploring something new together, rather than just getting away together.

And even if you’re not in a relationship, doing something new and interesting where you play it by ear for just a little bit can also have a positive impact on your creativity and perspective. Something to think about next time you’re deciding what to do on a Saturday night.

For more ideas on how to take charge of your brain, and your experience for wild success in any area of life, check out the link below.

Success with NLP

Success with NLP

How Long Can You Hold It?

Eye to Eye

I went to see this movie the other night. I didn’t even realize it was coming out. I was just walking down the arcade downtown, and I saw a movie poster. I recognized the actor right away, but I had no idea he had a movie coming out. So naturally, I went and checked the times, so I could come back and see it within the next couple of days. It was already pretty late, and there weren’t any more shows that evening.

So the next day come around and I go down to see this movie. While I was waiting in line, I saw somebody that I sort of recognized, but wasn’t sure where I knew her from. I could tell she felt he same way. We were waiting in one of those lines that snakes around, kind of like an amusement park. You are always standing next to different people as the line moves around.

So we had just turned our opposite corners, and started moving closer to each other. This was really weird, because both of us were trying to study each other, but only through our respective peripheral visions. I was kind of afraid that if our eyes, met and she showed recognition for who I was, and I hadn’t figured out who she was yet, it would be embarrassing. I suspect that she was doing the same thing.

It’s kind of hard to describe. We were both looking kind of in each other’s direction, but not quite at each other. But we kept moving closer and closer to each other. I started to panic, what if she said my name, but I didn’t know hers? What if she knew who I was, and I ignored her, but then saw her again the next day somewhere, like at the cleaners, or some place I shop every day?

I remember once when I was in college, I was taking this class in anthropology. It was cool because of the class; we got in free to the local zoo anytime we wanted. All we had to do was show our student ID, and mention the professor’s name. And the zoo wasn’t any small town zoo with a bunch of animals that were kicked out of other zoos for bad behavior. This was actually a world-renowned zoo, with high profile animals like special pandas and stuff.

So anyway, one lecture, this professor was telling us how intricate the facial expressions of chimpanzees are. And also how similar they are to humans. He was explaining that the human tendency to smile is somehow related, to chimps baring of their teeth to both show aggression, and to show passive submission. I don’t remember exactly how it works, but the facial expressions, at least in chimps, for aggression are only slightly different from happy submission.

He told us if we wanted to have some fun with the chimps, to get as close as we can to the cage possible, and pick one, and just stare at it. After a while he or she will realize that some goofball human is staring at it, and see what’s up. After a while, they will take it as a sign of aggression, and start staring back. If you are lucky, you can get into a staring contest with a chimp. If that happens, wait a few minutes of staring, and then bare your teeth. The chimp will most likely get super angry and jump around like he wants to kill you or something.

So after I heard that, I went straight to the zoo, and went right to the chimps. I found a couple and stared at them, but I couldn’t get anybody to stare back. I tired for a while, and did get a bunch of glances, but no takers for a deadly stare down contest. Maybe they weren’t in the mood, or maybe somebody tipped them off that the professor of anthropology was sending troublemakers to mess with them.

When I reported my findings, he said that’s not unusual. Chimps have to be ready to stare somebody down, and there are plenty of factors that go into it. Generally speaking, if they don’t feel like they are in competition for anything, like food or girl chimps or something, they won’t likely get angry very easily. I guess in the zoo they try to keep the chimps happy.

But he went on to explain that eye contact is a touch thing. Even human it evokes some deeply subconscious and long evolved fears of conflict. In the wild, eye contact meant one thing, and one thing only:

Let’s rumble.

He also mentioned some psychological study that showed if two humans are looking at each other eye to eye for more than thirty seconds, they are either fighting, or thinking about fighting, (or at the very least feeling some kind of aggressive competition), or the opposite either engaged in sex, thinking about sex, or at the very least having sexual feelings.

I’ve read from other sources, that if a guy locks eyes with a woman, and she holds eye contact for more than a few seconds, she is a highly sexual individual. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but if you’re a guy, try and see if you can hold eye contact with a female stranger for more than a few seconds. It can be interesting, to say the least.

And this is the weird part, or the cool part. Just as moved up so we were both next to each other line, we both did our best to shift our gazes so we were looking at each other, and throw our best “Oh, hey! How’s it going,” but right when we did so, we both realized who each other was at the same time. It turned out to be more like “Oh Hey! (fake) how’s it…OH! Hey! (real) How’s it going!” Turns out we don’t know each other by name, just that she’ s a waitress at a coffee shop that I go to sometimes.

Once we got that out of the way, I was able to enjoy the movie. Which turned out to be pretty good.

Coffee Shop Courage and Why You Should Talk To Strangers

Yesterday I was sitting in my local Starbucks, minding my own business when this girl started talking to me. She was a strange mix of friendly and forward. She wanted to practice her English, and she saw that I was sitting alone at one of those small tables with two really comfortable chairs facing each other.

So I guess after gathering up her courage, she came over and sat right and started firing away the same questions that foreigners usually get in Japan.
“Where are you from?”
“Where do you live?”

Etc. These are basically the only questions they get to practice out loud in school, so it’s pretty much all most Japanese can say in English. Despite spending a large amount of time studying English in school, most of it is writing and reading, and grammar rules. They don’t get much practice speaking, let alone speaking to an actual native speaker of English, despite a desire to do so.

What was interesting about this particular conversation was the courage this young girl showed. (She said she was eighteen, and a student a local university). She first came, and sat down, and asked the normal questions, and I tried my best to make her feel comfortable, with slow easy answers, and as much Japanese as I could muster, to give her a feeling it was a group effort at communication, rather than her being on the spot.

After she ran out of things to say, she abruptly, stopped and said she’d be back. I guess she wanted to go and talk to her friends and think up some more questions. So, naturally, I went back to reading my book.

The book I was reading was “The Stuff of Thought,” by Pinker. He’s written quite a few books on the subject, language and how it affects our thought, and vice versa. I never knew how complicated language was. Some verbs behave much differently, and how they are used can show a great deal of insight into the thoughts underlying the deep structure of the language.

He’s also quite an interesting speaker. I think he has a few videos on TED should you feel compelled to go and have a look.

It kind of reminds me once when I was in this ice cream store. I was trying to decide not only what kind of ice cream to buy, but how many scoops. I hadn’t set out that day to buy any ice cream, I just kind of wandered into the shop to see what was in there.

While I was waiting this guy behind me started talking about his neighbor. I think me might have thought I was somebody else, but I listened anyways, because this seemed like something that was really interesting. His neighbor use to be a dispatch driver for this delivery company that delivered stuff to people around this big city. And he was driving once to a call, and there was a herd of goats crossing the road, so he had to stop.

So while he was waiting, he pulled out a novel he’d been reading. Maybe you’ve read this, but maybe you haven’t. It’s a pretty popular novel, and the main character was on some kind of spiritual journey, and he was discovering all these insights and secrets of life through the story.

Kind of like when you read something like this, you start to think there is some kind of deeper meaning here, and you’re not sure what it is. Of course other times when you read this you might be under the impression that the guy who wrote this was making it up as he went along. But for some compelling reason, you can’t help but to come back here again and again to find out what was going to happen next.

Finally, the goats, passed by, and the traffic opened up. I’ve never really seen a herd of goats before, so it must have been an interesting sight. I suppose you could always go back and look if you are interested in that sort of thing.

And by the time this guy was done telling this really weird story, I had decided on a double cone with rocky road. I’ve liked rocky road ever since I was a kid, and it never fails to impress with its delicious chocolaty flavor, and nutty crunch.

I just when I was starting to wrap my mind around this deep philosophical point that Pinker was making his compellingly thought provoking book, this girl came and sat down again. I guess she’d thought up some more questions.

So had a nice little chat, and she seemed to be pretty pleased with herself for starting a conversation with a random stranger in a coffee shop. Like I said, it’s one thing to go up and speak with a random stranger in a coffee shop, but it adds about twenty different aspects of courage if you are to do that in a language that you are just starting to learn.

I never thought I’d be taught a lesson in courage by an eighteen-year-old Japanese college girl, but there you go. The world is filled with good examples like this.

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How To Change Your History and Change Your Future

Have you ever done something that you later regretted, or at the very least wish you would have done things differently? Ok, stupid question. We all have. I usually do stuff on a daily basis that I later regret, or at least wish I had done differently. Said thank you a little bit more loudly, smiled at some cute girl you see instead of just making passive eye contact, said something to that rude person that cut in front of you in line at the supermarket. I’m sure you can think of many things like this, maybe not so important things, but things that maybe you wish you could have done differently. 20/20 hindsight, and all that.

Well, luckily there is a process from NLP that can help you to reprogram your daily life on a regular basis to slowly change how you habitually and automatically behave in certain situations. This is perfect if you are aware of some kind of situation you’d rather behave differently than you normally do, but you usually don’t think about it until it’s too late.

For example, let’s say there is a girl you see at the supermarket that you stop by on your way home from work. You don’t know much about her except hat you think she is cute, and you might want to get to know her a little bit better. So you wish you could think of some clever thing to say, not a super mack pick up line, just a comment about something to peak her interest a little bit.

But every time you see her, you are either busy, or there are people around, or you just can’t think of anything to say in the moment. Then twenty minutes later, after you get home, you think of saying something about some button or something she had pinned on her uniform. Let’s say she had a “get out the vote” button, and you thought about mentioning that you volunteered for a local politicians campaign recently. Of course it’s to late, and next time you see her, she may or may not be wearing that button.

What you do is re-imagine the interaction, re-imagine your experience from that particular day. Only don’t remember it the way it happened, remember it the way you would like it to have happened. Something simple like “Oh you think voting is important? I do to. I actually volunteered for Mr. X’s campaign last spring.” That’s it. It’s important to only remember your part of the changed memory, because you can’t control other people reactions.

Do this a few times until the “re-recorded” memory seems as real as the real memory. What this does is program your subconscious with what you want to happen, rather than what actually happened. Your brain is like a computer, and you can program it like a computer. Only with your brain, you have to program it with images and feelings, (since your brain can’t really speak Fortran or C++).

What this does is give your brain the directive to say something interesting based on the environment when you see that girl, instead of just passively paying our money and collecting your receipt.

This may take a few tries, but when you do this on a regular basis, you will see some profound changes in your daily life. And the strange thing is, they will come almost naturally. You’ll have to really pay attention to notice them.

Rewriting your daily history is a great and powerful way to reprogram your automatic behavior so you can experience more pleasure in life and give more pleasure to others. And when you can do that, you’re doing pretty good.

Body Language Tips for Flirting and Attraction

If you’ve ever been in a social situation, and were interested in meeting someone, you know how difficult it can be to sort through all the mixed signals and various levels of communication. I recently saw the movie “He’s just not that into you,” as it was recently released in Japan. A very well written movie about how social signals can sometimes be misinterpreted and frequently misunderstood.

Luckily, there has been a plethora of books (some good, some not so good) written by “experts” regarding body language. And as you would expect, there are a large number of body language signals that you can use to improve your flirting and social intercourse that are consistent throughout all the books.

Of course, that either means that each author or authors is on to something, or they all copied from the same report. I will assume with the former, and proceed to share with you some of the basics. One side benefit from becoming comfortable with learning to read body language, and using it for flirting is you will also be building your self-esteem and self-confidence. There are few things that make you feel better than a successful flirtations endeavor. (And all the good stuff that goes along with it.)

Some of these might be revealing, and some you have likely already heard about, but it pays to be sure. Nothing is more embarrassing than mis reading a signal and making a fool out of yourself (If you’ve seen the aforementioned movie, there was a pretty funny scene after the party.)

The two most obvious is eye contact and a smile. Eye contact can be very difficult to maintain for some people, so if you person you are interested in doesn’t hold eye contact very long, that either means they aren’t interested, or are very shy.

If you are a guy, and you are flirting with girls, if she makes eye contact, smiles a little bit, and then looks down before looking away, that is a fantastic sign. Many times that is all you need to make an approach. Because many girls are shy, you will need to smile first. Eye contact, then slowly let your face smile, both with your lips and with your eyes. Then just relax and see how she responds.

Another good sign, one that takes a while to calibrate, is if when you smile, she smiles in response, and takes a deep breath. That means you are making her feel butterflies. Nice work!

Another one to notice is that if she is talking to somebody else, and she makes eye contact with you while she’s in the conversation. She likely won’t smile at you, because that would be impolite to the persons she is speaking with. What is a good sign in this situation is if while she is talking to him or her, she might turn her body so that it is facing you while she is facing him. If this happens, you can either go and introduce yourself to both of them, and join the conversation, or simply wait until a better opportunity.

Another great sign from girls is if she flashes her palm at you. If she smiles, quickly brushes her hair back while revealing her palm, then looks down and away, that is about as green a light as your going to get. She is basically screaming at you to make a move.

If you are a girl and are looking from signs from guys, pay attention to their voice and body movements. Guys will naturally try to look more “alpha” when an attractive woman is around. They do this buy speaking louder, and using wider gestures with their friends. If you want him to come and talk to you, send any of the signals mentioned above. A good way is to make eye contact, smile and turn your head briefly, looking around the room, but keep your chest pointed at him, but don’t be to obvious or come on too strong. For most guys, eye contact and brief, warm smile is all you really need.

If this is all new to you, don’t worry. There are plenty of books out there to help you lean this stuff. When I first found out the incredible depth of information that was being sent back and forth I was floored. For months I would just go and sit in public places and just watch the signals people were sending too each other. The level of and depth of communication among people is truly amazing.

After you get good at this, your flirting skills will skyrocket. You will never again wonder who to approach, or how to flirt the right way. And when you learn to project the right body language, you will almost guarantee that when you make that first approach, you will almost always be warmly accepted, for at least a friendly conversation. And that is a good feeling.