Tag Archives: Confidence

Social Confidence

How To Turn Heads

Social Confidence

What makes people charismatic?

The kind of quality where they walk into a room, and everybody turns to see them.

This can quickly build, and everybody is soon checking out what everybody is checking out.

It’s usually described as a kind of energy, a kind of magnetism.

But what is it really?

One thing about charismatic people is they rarely worry about what other think about them.

But this can’t be the only reason. Plenty of people aren’t really concerned with the opinion of others, but they aren’t exactly charismatic.

Another ingredient in charisma is genuinely liking yourself. Charismatic people tend to enjoy being who they are.

Think back to a time when you were a kid. And you found something cool, or maybe got at cool toy as a gift.

And you couldn’t wait to show it to your friends.

Charismatic people feel that way about themselves. Not in an egotistical way, but in a genuine way.

And not really themselves, but their experience of themselves.

They like being themselves, they like experiencing the world as themselves, and they like how interacting with others can amplify that.

And one crucial ingredient in that is that they have an equal appreciation for others.

When they look at somebody, they don’t worry about getting rejected, or getting bored, or getting judged.

They look at everybody with a positive expectation. And because of this, they tend to bring out the best in others.

This, of course, creates a self-fulfilling loop.

The more they interact with others, they more they prove to themselves that life, most especially other people, is a fantastic adventure.

How can you develop this trait?

Like anything else, it’s a skill you can learn. In particularly, it’s the skill of holding the right mindset when looking out over a group of people.

Instead of wondering if you’ll get accepted or rejected or judged, purposely wonder what cool things you’ll find out about other people.

At first, you don’t need to interact with others. Just watch people, and purposely hold the question in your mind, “I wonder what treasure they have.”

When you purposely hold this frame in mind when being around others, you’ll be on your way.

Pretty soon YOU’LL be the one who walks in the place and turns everybody’s head.

Click Here To Learn How

Delicious Cake

Become A Delicious Cake

Delicious Cake

The human brain is very quick, but often not very accurate.

Otherwise optical illusions (or even movies) wouldn’t work.

We see things that aren’t really the way they are.

There’s even a weird “audio illusion” where if you listen to static long enough, you’ll start to hear sounds that aren’t there.

Unfortunately, some people may think they’re listening to ghosts or demons or something.

One common misunderstanding is when we see two events take place, one after the other, and assume that one caused the other.

In Latin this is referred to as, “post hoc ergo propter hoc.”

Here’s an example. You’re hanging out a bar or club, and you see some guy walk over and talk to a girl or guy you’ve had your eye on.

They have an obviously enjoyable conversation for a few minutes (they are both laughing) and then they leave together.

You think to yourself, “Hmm, I wish I knew what he said to her!”

Here’s another example using the same structure, but it’s obvious how “incorrect” it is.

You go to a friends house for a dinner party. They serve an absolutely delicious cake for desert. You would like very much to bake on just like it.

So you ask them, “Hey, that cake was delicious, what kind of icing did you use?”

And you thought that all you needed to know was the icing.

The words we use are really just the icing on the cake.

They are an outcome of our internal behavior.

Here’s a point to prove it.

Let’s say some absolutely gorgeous person is eyeing you from across the room.

They walk over to introduce themselves.

They closer they get, the more you are attracted. The way they move, the way they carry themselves, their posture.

Now, which thought would be more likely:

“Wow, this is so cool!”

or

“Hmm. They look gorgeous and are interested in me, but if they say something that isn’t super witty or clever I’m going to tell them to get lost.”

The truth is that the words we actually use are important, but they aren’t the ONLY thing.

Just like the icing is only put on AFTER the cake is made (and in reality the cake will still be pretty good without the icing), the words are only the last bit of information.

In fact, if that metaphorical gorgeous person didn’t even speak English (or your native language) that probably wouldn’t even matter.

So, how do you build up the inner cake?

By building up how much you feel confident and relaxed no matter who you are around.

And just like any other skill, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Click Here To Learn How

Social Confidence

How To Make An Awesome Impression On People

Social Confidence

We humans tend to make a lot of decisions based on unconscious triggers.

Much more than we’d like to admit.

As an animal, we are self-organizing, hierarchical, pack animals.

Meaning we always either try to be an authority, or defer to an authority.

They put a bunch of people in a room, and soon one guy is the “leader.”

We make a lot of purchasing decisions the same way.

If some guy with TONS of authority is selling something, we don’t usually question the quality of what he’s selling.

This only works with some products, though.

If a famous person was promoting a new burger chain, and the burgers tasted like moldy dirt, we’d only eat their once.

But the HARDER it is to check the quality of something, the MORE we defer to these “triggers” when making decisions.

Take an exercise and diet program for example. The only real way to test if it works or not is to try it out for a couple months.

But since there are so many out there, it’s not logistically possible to try them all.

We’d be dead before we finished!

So we tend to rely on things like Authority, Social Proof, and other triggers.

Most of the time, when something is hard to judge on it’s own merit, we almost always use some kind of shortcut to help us out.

For example, when we meet somebody, we really don’t want to spend a couple weeks getting to know them to see what kind of person they are.

So we look for triggers to help us.

Who they’re with, the clothes they wear, and most importantly, how they carry themselves.

Short of any obvious triggers like Authority (are they famous?) or Social Proof (do they have a huge entourage?), we have to judge them based on the subtle and subconscious behavior.

Which is an outward representation of how they judge themselves.

Meaning if they like and respect themselves, it will come across how they walk and talk.

Which means we’ll like and respect them.

In a sense, it’s kind of like those elections in third grade, where everybody voted for themselves for president.

YOU can instruct other how to feel about YOU.

All you’ve got to do is feel about YOU how you’d like other people to feel about YOU.

Click Here to Learn How

Social Confidence

Create A Group of Admirers

Social Confidence

We like it when things make sense.

When something happens that we don’t expect, it can be pretty confusing.

Once I was at a friends house, hanging out after dinner in their living room.

There was five or six of us, and we’d kind of drifted into two separate conversations.

Three in one, three in another.

But one person in each group, in each conversation, said, “No way!”

And everybody stopped for a second, heads spinning.

The two completely different conversations having overlapped in those two words was pretty cool. Then we all laughed and went on with whatever we were talking about.

This is kind of the idea behind the famous “handshake interrupt” from NLP.

Since most people think of a handshake as a single event, when you start talking in the middle it kind of trances people out.

When unexpected things happen that are BETTER than we expect, it’s almost like magic.

Like if you’re sure you failed a test, the teacher hands them back, face down, and you turn it over slowly, and are happily surprised to see you got a 92.

People can be the same way.

I once had this calculus professor. Super serious geek type. But then on Halloween he came in dressed in a goofy outfit and sang part of an Italian opera.

One way to impress people is how you handle the conversation.

Most people go around trying to “compete” with one another. Trying to tell the best stories, trying to be the “wittiest” guy in the conversation.

But when you start asking questions about the other person, and sit back and let them be the “cool one,” something interesting will happen.

If you walk up and tell an awesome story, they’ll remember you. But it will be conscious. They’ll clearly associate you with your stories, and you’re not-so-covert attempt to impress them.

But when you lay back and let them be the star, they’ll feel good, and they’ll SUBCONSCIOUSLY associate that good feeling with you.

If you make this your “go-to” conversation style, pretty soon everybody you know will really feel good when they think about you, and they won’t quite be sure why.

But you’ll know.

Click Here to learn more.

Social Confidence

Why People Will Love Talking To You

Social Confidence

The Meta Model from NLP is a very powerful but little used tool.

As it’s taught, it’s pretty terrible.

It makes people turn into conversation killers.

Our language is FILLED with vagueness.

And this is nearly always a good thing.

So when you start using the meta model, it can seem really abrasive.

If you are on the receiving end of a meta model barrage it feels like you’re under interrogation.

Because the Meta Model is all about extracting specific information.

Like if somebody says they saw a movie and it was “OK,” then they probably don’t feel like spending twenty minutes defending their position.

Why was it just OK?

What specific part was just OK?

Most people don’t like to go into specific details, especially if it feels like an interrogation.

There are, however, two places where the meta model is pretty useful.

One is when you’re having a deep conversation with a close friend or partner and you’re talking about heavy emotional issues.

You can use the meta model to find out EXACTLY what they mean, so you can understand precisely what they’re experiencing.

Even then it can come across as extremely confrontational if you’re not careful.

Another way to use the meta model is when talking about people’s desires.

Especially in an imaginary, “perfect” future.

Once they understand you’re just playing around, and you’re talking about something they want AND you are careful not to judge in any way, it can be pretty powerful.

Get them talking about their ideal vacation. Get them to describe it to you as specifically as possible.

Actually refer to it as if it’s an object out there between the two of you.

This will get them feeling REALLY good.

And they’ll associate that good feeling with you, since they’re talking to you about it.

This is also a pretty good conversation topic if you’re worried about running out of stuff to say.

Because once they realize you’re not judging them in any way, they’ll just keep on talking.

Another cool thing is that after the conversation is over, they’ll remember you for a LONG TIME.

This can make it pretty easy to make friends anywhere you go, and give you pretty powerful conversational skills.

Click Here to learn more.

Social Confidence

How To Radiate Friendly Energy

Social Confidence

Nowadays, everything anybody famous does is always recorded.

However, most of those people KNOW they are being recorded and they act accordingly.

On top of that we have tons of “reality TV” showing people how they REALLY are.

Of course, it’s not REALLY how people are. They take a whole week of conversations, interactive behaviors and situations and edit them down to the BEST of the week.

So even those “reality TV stars” are more or less “packaged and sold.”

A long, long time ago, Nixon and his buddies got in trouble. Nixon secretly recorded everybody that came into his office.

And when the newspapers published the transcripts of what went on in those “secret” meetings between leaders of the free world, people were flabbergasted.

Not because of the CONTENT of their conversations, but the STRUCTURE.

Or the lack thereof.

Even when the leaders of the free world get together to have a powwow, if they think nobody’s listening, they speak like idiots.

“Uh, what about that thing?”

“Yeah, the, what, how do we, uh, that other stuff…”

Etc.

Unfortunately since most of us spend TONS of time watching FAKE PEOPLE behave as FAKELY as they can, when we act “normal” we don’t look so good in comparison.

But this is actually GOOD news.

Why?

Because if you ever need to make an impression on somebody, it’s pretty easy, since the competition ain’t all that.

But you DO need to do a LITTLE bit of practice.

But not much.

Luckily, there’s tons of opportunities to brush up on your social skills.

Chatting up people in line, for example, is a great way to practice.

Everybody’s bored, and wanting to pass the time (so long as they don’t have their eyes glued to their phones watching porn or something).

An EASY way to “break the ice” just for practice is to throw out a “pacing statement.”

These are verifiably TRUE statements about the environment.

It’s sunny today.

This line is slow.

That lady has a lot of pineapples in her cart.

The idea is to get the person you say these to to automatically agree. Say a couple of them, and you’ve effectively merged your frame with their frame.

Just this skill in and of itself is pretty useful, and will make you STAND OUT when people meet you.

Once because you will have practiced how to easily start conversations with anybody.

Two because you will radiate a different energy than most people.

One that says you’re friendly and easy to talk to.

Two things that will help people remember you from all the other people out there.

Click Here to learn more.

Social Confidence

How To Enjoy People

Social Confidence

If you’ve ever started an exercise program after a long period of inactivity, you’ve probably experienced the common phases.

The first phase is when you still have the motivation (usually from looking at yourself naked in the mirror) and can PUSH yourself through your internal resistance.

After a while of this, the next phase is when it’s habit. Your motivation has likely waned a bit, but if you’ve been doing it every day, you feel kind of guilty for NOT doing it.

The next phase is when it gets good. It’s when you enjoy doing it. Maybe not getting out of bed early, but once you get going, (whatever is you’re doing, jogging outside or riding an exercise bike in the garage), it’s a reward in and of itself.

Those who are lifelong runners wouldn’t DREAM of not going for their daily job.

Same for those who meditate on a daily basis. It might be boring and cumbersome to get started, but pretty soon it’s something you’d NEVER want to stop doing.

This is when any kind of “practice” becomes an end in itself.

Practicing social skills also follows this same pattern. Unfortunately, most people don’t see social skills as something to “practice.”

We tend to see it as something we’re either good at, or something we just suck at.

But if you look at it as a practice, and TREAT it like a practice, it will BECOME a practice.

And if you put in the effort, you’ll get to the point where you LOOK FORWARD to practicing your social skills.

Luckily, there’s a lot of ways to “cheat” your way to the level of “enjoying the practice.”

Because of most of the works is operating on those old beliefs that have been holding you back.

There are plenty of ways to go out in public, NOT talk to a single soul, but FEEL like you’ve created tons of conversations.

This will give you ALL of the benefits, without any of the risk.

And as I’m sure you know, no matter WHAT your “purpose” is in life, it will be much EASIER, and much more REWARDING, if you jack up your social skills as high as you possible can.

Which you’ll soon discover has no upper limit.

Click Here to learn how.

Social Confidence

Simple Steps To Change Your Entire World

Social Confidence

When we humans look out into the world, we’re only seeing a very small fraction of what is really out there.

There is so much data hitting our senses (sight, smell, touch, sounds, etc) there’s NO WAY we can process it all.

So part of us (the pre-conscious processor) has to figure out what’s important and what’s not.

Without doing any self-programming, we’ll be stuck with our factory settings.

We notice things that are good (food, safety, money, sex, etc.) and things that are bad (tigers, loud noises, etc).

But beyond that, what our pre-conscious processor decides to show us is also based on our skills.

For example, if you saw something falling out of the corner of your eye, you would respond based on your current understanding of your own level of skill, in this case, your strength.

If you NEVER exercised, and couldn’t do ten pushups to save your life, you’d probably get out of the way before you even knew what was happening.

But if you were fairly athletic, in good shape, comfortable with your strength and speed, you would respond completely different.

Maybe look around and make sure everybody else was safe.

In neither of the above two cases would you stop and think what to do.

You would just respond to changes in your surroundings, AUTOMATICALLY, based on consciously built in skills.

You would also consider different leisure activities, based on your level of physical fitness.

If you were in good shape, you might be interested in a new park or field that was built in your neighborhood.

On the other hand, if you were in lousy shape, your focus would on completely different things.

Social skills will impact you the same way.

With a high level of social skills, you’ll perceive the world around you completely differently than somebody with low social skills.

And when something just “happens,” you’ll respond differently as well.

What’s really cool is that because a higher level of social skills changes your micro-behaviors (facial expressions, body language, etc) you will be PERCIEVED totally differently by others as well.

Luckily, building up your social skills is pretty easy.

So long as you take your time, and do a little bit each day, you’ll soon see the world change around you.

Click Here to learn more.

Social Confidence

Give Away Yourself For Easy Conversational Power

I’ve been the best man a couple of times at weddings.

Both times, after giving the toast, it was a blast.

First, you’re wearing a tuxedo. Second, if you’ve given a halfway decent toast, everybody knows you.

Also, you feel like you have an “obligation” to mingle.

Which means you can “operate” pretty effectively. Work the crowd. Start conversations with attractive strangers.

Since it’s expected, and you’re part of the wedding party, there is ZERO CHANCE of getting rejected.

Now, here’s an interesting idea on human nature.

People will treat us EXACTLY like we treat ourselves.

If we think we suck, people will treat us AS IF we suck.

It’s as if we humans have this sixth sense. We see somebody approaching, and we’re sure what to do.

So we look for evidence to help us. If the person is smiling, confident and relaxed, and acting like they truly LIKE THEMSELVES, we are much more likely to like them.

On the other hand, if they are nervous, closed off and look like they’re scared of something, we will get scared as well.

Imagine how easy it would be to talk to people if you’re job was to give away hundred dollar bills.

Imagine if you had to approach however many people you wanted to and said your name.

If they said their name, you’d give them a hundred bucks and walk away. But if they didn’t, you wouldn’t give them anything, and walk away.

Pretty easy job, right?

Just doing this job for a few days would make you LOVE people.

Now suppose that you VALUED YOURSELF at more than a hundred bucks.

That you TRULY BELIEVED that somebody interacting with you was worth MORE than a hundred dollars.

And not only that, but THEY believed it ONLY BECAUSE you believed it.

How enjoyable would life be?

Pretty enjoyable! You would LOVE to meet new people.

And people would LOVE to meet you.

The truth is that “meaning” is pretty flexible.

And with consistent practice, you can “build up” how much you VALUE yourself.

So every time you do start a conversation with a stranger, you sincerely believe you are PROVIDING value to them.

This is easy to do with practice.

So start practicing. Click here to learn how.

The Magical And Ancient Powers Of Eye Contact

How Long Can You Hold It?

The other day I was sitting in this coffee shop downtown. It is on a pretty busy street, and despite being deep into autumn, the weather was sunny and kind of warm. So I decided to sit outside and watch people walk by. I also had a book with me that I had bought recently, so I was switching between reading a few pages and then watching folks walk by. It was one of those lazy, relaxing days where you don’t have anywhere to go, and you aren’t in any hurry of getting there.

I saw this guy come walking down the street that looked a bit odd. Something about him, but I wasn’t sure what. Maybe it was his gait, or the way he allowed his eyes to linger on those he passed slightly longer than socially appropriate. Nobody else seemed to notice him. As he got close, I became more and more interested in seeing exactly what he was all about. Perhaps he’d try and lock eyes with me. It’s always interesting when that happens.

I’ve read many different reports and theories on why it is so difficult for people to maintain eye contact. There is a myth that here in the East, it’s not socially appropriate, but I haven’t noticed any differences that in the West. People seem to hold eye contact here just as much as other places I’ve been.

One theory that makes the most sense is one that explains our natural reluctance to hold eye contact is evolutionary in nature. When Jane Goodall set off to study the great apes, she learned very quickly not to hold eye contact with them. And if you ever visit the zoo, and want to have some fun, pick a monkey, chimp or ape and hold eye contact with him or her and see what happens.

On a primal level, it seems that holding eye contact is a direct threat or challenge to another’s authority. That seems to be very much the case here. In sales books they teach you never to be the first to break eye contact during negotiations, and if you absolutely must, look away sideways rather than down. Breaking eye contact by looking down is an obvious sign of submission.

I’ve also read in many seduction guides aimed at men that when making eye contact with females, if she looks down and away, then that’s a good sign. If she looks away sideways then it’s a sign that she isn’t that interested or impressed by you. Of course, it goes without saying that if you are a guy, and are flirting with a girl, you should never be the first to break eye contact, at least in the first stages of flirting. Later on, after rapport has been established, you can play all kinds of eye contact games.

I remember once I was relatively long train ride, maybe twenty minutes or so. There was a particularly attractive woman sitting directly across from me. The first thing I noticed was her big fat wedding band, but that didn’t stop her and I from playing some pretty entertaining eye contact flirtation games during the train ride. I would look up, and she would be looking at me. We would hold eye contact just a hair longer than normal, one of us would smile, and look down and away. A couple minutes later our eyes would catch again, and the same thing would happen. A brief, barely perceptible smile, and a slow break in eye contact.
I never spoke with her, and I think that would have ruined the interaction, but that sure is a better way to pass the time than burying your head in a newspaper or a cell phone.

If you are guy, here’s an experiment you can try, that will give you some really electrifying results. It’s kind of tough to do this but it’s really fun. Go to a strip club (yea, a strip club) and sit in front, where you have to tip the dancer for every song. (I didn’t say this was free!). Instead of staring at what most guys stare at (if you know what I mean,) look only into her eyes, for as long as possible. Have a relaxed, open, safe look on your face, and absolutely refuse to be the first to break eye contact. Because she is a professional, she likely won’t be too shy, so you’ll end up holding eye contact with a fairly attractive (possibly naked, depending on where you live) woman for a long period of time. The emotions that this will evoke are astounding.

It’s been said that when a man and a woman hold eye contact for more than thirty seconds, they are either fighting or making love, so this can have some really interesting results. If anything, it will give you a huge boost in self-confidence.

I used to know this guy that was absolutely terrified of making eye contact with cute girls, until he tried the above method a few times. It helped his self-esteem and self-confidence immensely.

If you are female, and would like to get the same result, just find a place where you would have a captive male whose eyes you could gaze into for an extended period of time. Be careful you don’t send the wrong message. Most guys can quickly fall in love with a girl that holds eye contact long enough. Believe it or not, that’s all it takes for most guys. Some extended, direct, friendly (not desperate or needy) attention.

So when this guy finally came rambling towards me, he swept his gaze across the people around until his eyes met mine. He stopped dead in his tracks, as if he was shocked, then I saw some recognition spread across his face. I didn’t recognize him at all, so I was curious what he saw in me. He lifted his finger and pointed at me, and said:

“The days of treachery are coming to a abrupt and final ending. The times of reluctance must give way to the times of engagement. Those that avoid will be avoided, and those that connect will be connected. The choice has been, and always will be yours.”

He then lowered his hand, and shuffled along as if nothing happened. That was quite an interesting experience. A few people around me looked me for some kind of explanation, but I just shrugged my shoulders and went back to my book.