Category Archives: Conversation Skills

Expand Your Desire

The Wolf Of Shave Ice

There are a lot of skills you can learn.

Unfortunately, we humans don’t really like doings things unless we have to, or there is a VERY compelling reason.

For example, plenty of “diets” are based on celebrities.

Like the Daniel Craig (James Bond) diet, for example.

Want to know the real secret of the Daniel Craig diet?

It’s got nothing to do with what he eats.

It has EVERYTHING to do with the incentives.

If YOU got paid millions to take your shirt off in the movies, you’d probably be able to get pretty ripped as well.

Unfortunately, few of us will ever be given a guarantee like that.

We normal humans have to try our best just to get a chance.

But then again, guys and gals like Daniel Craig didn’t get lucky.

It wasn’t like he was just strolling down the street one day and some Hollywood dude rolled up in his limo and asked if he wanted to play James Bond.

Usually people that have that much success started building it when they were very young.

Take Bill Gates, for example.

When he was a teenager, LONG BEFORE he even thought about an “operating system” he was hustling.

Meaning he was always trying things to see if he could make money.

Or that guy in the “Wolf of Wall ST.” movie.

(Jordan Belfort played by DiCaprio)

Before he was a wolf of wall street, before he even knew ANYTHING about wall street, he and his buddies sold shave ice on the beach.

On their own, they bought the raw materials (ice, flavoring, some kind of cart, etc.) and in one summer they netted 10K.

Nobody told them what to do. Nobody game them any guarantees.

They just had a deep DRIVE to succeed, and they went out and made it happen.

If you check your favorite Actors page on IMDB, you’ll see the same story.

Most A-listers today started when they were VERY YOUNG.

Even AC DC teaches the same story.

“It’s a long way to the top if you want to Rock n Roll…”

But here’s the thing.

That DRIVE isn’t just in SOME people.

It’s in EVERYBODY.

YOU.

Sure, some people are “lucky” in that they find a quick and easy way to “monetize” this natural human drive.

But it only SEEMS easy when we look at them AFTER they succeed.

Every huge success had the same fears, worries and concerns.

But they pushed through them, and kept their eyes on the prize.

So can you.

Learn How:

Entrepreneurial Mind

Flow

Resonate The Flow Of Life

What does it mean to be “Self Actualized?”

Some say this is being at the top of our potential.

Of performing as effectively as we can.

According to Maslow’s famous hierarchy, we need to satisfy “lower” need before we can satisfy “higher” needs.

Once we get these lower needs out of the way, (food, safety, sex,) we can move up the ladder.

But is it possible to “be” self actualized?

After all, you can’t just stop eating. What happens when you’re at the top of the “self actualized” pyramid and you get hungry?

Or what happens if everything’s perfect, your living your “higher purpose” but then an earthquake hits, and your house starts falling apart?

There’s a saying in enlightenment circles, “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”

Meaning that no matter HOW “enlightened” you become, you still gotta eat. You still have to put on your seatbelt. You still have to pay your electric bill or else all your ice cream will melt.

Consider that “self actualization” is not a destination, like Las Vegas.

Where you can see it up ahead, and you whoop and holler when you cross the border.

Consider that “self actualization” is a delicate balance.

When you, an unfathomably complex mind-body system, is operating at a high level of efficiency.

Csikszentmihalyi (seriously!) studied athletes. When they are “self actualized” he called it a “flow state.” Those RARE moments when they act purely unconsciously, when they “be the ball.”

When conscious thought stops and they perform with utmost efficiency, grace and skill.

But here’s the thing.

Even the BEST athletes only experience true “flow” sporadically.

After all, if they could reproduce it at will, they would never lose.

What does that mean for us normal humans?

Can we EVER become self actualized?

Yes, yes we can.

How?

Consider a couple of simple concepts.

One is we can NEVER predict the future.

Which means every time we take action, something UNEXPECTED will happen.

And every time something unexpected happens, we learn something.

This means that every single time we do something, we IMPROVE our ability to look out our future and decide what to do.

Since we are ALWAYS updating our “map of reality” we can NEVER arrive at point where we understand everything.

Which means being “self actualized” is an orientation, a way operating, rather than a static state.

Kind of like a high performance race car. The engine is only “self actualized” on straight roads when it can hit those high RPMs.

Consider that the MOST “actualized” we can be is when success is just out of reach, and we are operating as efficiently as we can to get there.

And lucky for us, the more we succeed, the more we CAN succeed.

Learn How:

Entrepreneurial Mind

Crash Through Barriers

Overcome Duration Mismatch

Imagine going on a bike ride with a friend.

Only you were on a tandem bike. And both of you were pedaling at different frequencies.

It would be frustrating. You’d be much better off on two separate bikes, so you could pedal at your own rate.

Back in the days before banks became speculation machines, they had something called “duration mismatch.”

People would deposit their money to earn interest. And then the bank would loan out that money, to earn MORE interest.

The theory was that the bank made their money from the difference. If they paid out 2% interest on deposits, and charged 5% interest on loans, they’d pocket the 3% difference.

Only the loans (money going out) were for fixed terms. Usually long terms. Car loans are five years. Home loans are fifteen or thirty years.

But the deposits (money coming in) could be pulled out at any time.

Even if people got a CD (certificate of deposit) to get a higher interest, it was for only a year.

So the money coming IN was short term. The money going OUT was long term.

The trick was to make sure it was always in balance.

When the Great Depression happened, all the money was pulled out, and plenty of banks went out of business.

When humans do things, (or try to do things) there are always different “levels.”

Like in the short term, it feels good to eat pizza (or nachos or whatever).

In the long term, we’d rather be fit and in shape.

Kind of like a “duration mismatch” of our wants.

Often times what we want in the SHORT TERM is different than what we want in the LONG TERM.

Usually the opposite.

This is the heart of what most people call “self sabotage.”

Like two people on a bike pedaling at different speeds.

Instead of combining their efforts, they cancel each other out.

Putting in all that effort for nothing.

When you have different parts of you fighting each other, it sucks.

But there’s a way to fix it.

A way to start slowly, and improve slowly, so that EVERYBODY involved (all the different parts of you wanting things at different times) are FINALLY working together.

And just like two people pedaling together on a bike, you can get going pretty fast.

Learn How:

Stop Self Sabotage

Break Out Of Comfort

Become The Middle Porridge

When I was a kid, me and my friends were into video games.

This was way back in the day when they cost a quarter.

They had TV games, but the ones in the arcades (or the ice cream shops) were much better.

Back then, like today, they had hidden “cheats.” Ways you could “beat” the system. Certain things you could do that would GUARANTEE you could get to the next level.

Those were cool, but once you found the cheat, it wasn’t much fun.

The whole point of “playing” games is you DON’T know how they are going to come out.

This is why sports is so exciting, as well as well-written books, movies, and stories.

Nobody likes a movie when everybody can figure out how it’s going to end.

When I was a kid we used to take car trips.

It was always exciting, because we were going somewhere cool, and part of the fun was enjoying the process of getting there.

Of course, looking back as an adult, it was always some hotel or motel somewhere, and if you’ve seen one of those, you’ve seen them all.

But as a kid it CAN be a real adventure.

If you use any kind of measuring equipment, you know how important it is to keep it calibrated.

IF you were making cookies for example, imagine if you had a cup you “thought” was an actual cup, but was really only half a cup.

The cookies wouldn’t come out so good.

Now imagine building something complicated, like a jet engine, with tools that AREN’T calibrated.

A bunch of mechanics just throwing stuff together and “hoping” it doesn’t break apart a top speed.

Life itself can fall into three general categories.

A grand adventure, a nightmare, or something really boring.

If you charge ahead without calibration, without knowing what you’re doing, it can be good, but the chance of “nightmare” outcomes goes up.

If you don’t do anything, you’ll end up pretty boring.

The magic is in the middle.

Just like in the three bears.

Not too hot, not too cold.

One or two steps out of your comfort zone. Small actions, measure the results, and then re-calibrate.

Doing that will turn life into a grand adventure where you get the BEST of both worlds.

Always on the journey, and always close to the safety of home.

Learn More:

End Self Sabotage

Changing Minds

Metaphors Are Everywhere

What language do humans speak?

According to Noam Chomsky, one of the world’s recognized experts on linguistics, we only speak one language.

Just that from country to country, we speak in different “dialects.”

He famously pointed out that all world language have the same components.

Verbs, nouns, adjectives, etc.

There have also been a few interesting cases where people had to “make up” a language, and they “made up” a language that had those parts of speech.

This led Chomsky to come up with his “X-bar theory.”

Where we have a bunch of “switches” in our brain.

And when a kid is between 0 and about 2, they are setting these switches based on the “local structure” of this “world language.”

Once these switches are set, the word explosion begins.

This is when kids shift from speaking gibberish to full blown sentences, some of which they NEVER could have heard.

Researchers test this, just to make sure.

They make up words for nouns and verbs.

Then the kids use them PERFECTLY.

Which strongly suggests that deep in our brain is the neural circuitry for language.

The actual words are kind of like filling in the blanks.

One thing that is used in all languages are metaphors.

Not just metaphorical sayings, but embedded within the language itself.

Like the simple expression, “fall in love.”

The verb “fall” explains how we feel about “love.”

Something that happens unexpectedly. Like you’re wandering down the street, staring at your phone and you fall into a hole.

Or the sentence, “We are going through some difficulties.”

If it’s a person or a company, you are thinking about those “difficulties” as if they are an actual object.

And in order to “deal with” that “object” you need to go through it.

Not go over it, or under it, or around it.

Through it.

And when you are going “through” something, it’s all around you.

Hopefully soon, you’ll be able to “put it” behind you.

And see it fading away in the rear view mirror.

Understanding the structure of human metaphors is very powerful.

You can move people on deep and profound levels.

Not knowing how to do so is like being in a foreign country and not speaking the language.

So long as you speak the HUMAN language, you can communicate a lot more effectively.

And impact people much more profoundly.

Learn How:

Hypnotic Storytelling

Sweet Dreams

The Cake and Ice Cream Strategy

Most people get nervous, at least a little bit, when talking in public.

Of course, there are many different spectrums with different endpoints.

In a one on one situation, there’s people we talk to that we like and hope like us.

Those situations can be tough to be relaxed and conversationally “entertaining.”

Whenever we’re around people we like and admire, there is always the fear of rejection.

One way that fear manifests itself by worrying that we’ll run out of stuff to say.

Or we’ll run out of stuff the other person finds “interesting.”

If you’re in a group, and you’re hanging out with friends, and there are a couple of new people in the group, this can also happen.

You suddenly find yourself in the center of the “conversational spotlight.”

It’s almost worse than giving a speech.

At least if you’re giving a speech, they more or less have to listen.

But if you find yourself talking in a group, there’s the ever present danger of getting interrupted by somebody.

And if that somebody has a MORE interesting story than yours, it can feel pretty crappy.

Especially if you were hoping to “impress” one of those new people in your group.

Luckily, there’s a VERY EASY way to take even the shortest, plainest story and tell in a way they will HAVE to pay attention.

Our brains don’t like unfinished business.

That’s why whenever something bad happens, we NEED closure.

Otherwise, there’s a painful “open loop.”

Having a bunch of painful open loops sucks.

But you can do the opposite.

Purposely leave open loops, but not the painful kind.

The cliffhanger kind, that they put near the end of your favorite TV show.

You can do this on a sentence level, a story level and a conversation level.

The better you are at creating these open loops, the more they will be DESPERTATE to pay attention.

Putting out a bunch of open loops in a regular conversation is like showing up to a kid’s birthday party with a bunch of cake and ice cream.

They won’t be able to resist.

Learn How:

Hypnotic Storytelling

Metaphorical Power Punch

How To Become a Jedi Master

Most people are familiar with Joseph Campbell.

He studied mythology from around the world, and found some interesting things.

Namely, that all myths and their characters are very similar.

He called it the “Hero’s Journey,” as the stories are very similar.

A young kid, bored, safe, longing for adventure.

But at the same time not quite brave enough to set out on his own.

Then some tragedy happens and FORCES him on his journey.

And along the way he makes friends, learns skills and eventually has to fight the bad guy.

Why do we love this story so much?

Why, out of all the stories that were told around all the campfires since humans learned to speak, do we remember and retell this same structure over and over?

Why does this structure RESONATE with us so much?

Because the hero is us.

Every time we start a new grade in school, or start a new job, or begin a new relationship, or begin a large project, we are repeating the same steps of the hero’s journey.

Usually we don’t start because we want to, we either have to (school, job, etc.) or it just kind of happens (relationships, family, etc).

And since there’s not really a “how to” guide to do any of the important things in life (fall in love, build a career, etc.) we’re always bumbling our way through.

So “Hero’s Journey” stories are VERY compelling.

The represent the IDEAL to which we all strive.

But there’s something even BETTER than listening to (or watching or reading) hero’s journey stories.

What’s that?

Telling them.

We all love hero’s journey stories because we are always on SOME kind of hero’s journey.

But every hero’s journey has the wise old helper.

Spiderman’s Uncle, Dumbledore, Obi Won Kenobi, Morpheus, etc.

But guess what?

When you take whatever you want to say to other people, and wrap it in a hero’s journey type tale, YOU can be the wise helper.

The sage, guru, wizard, or Jedi Master.

And when you mix in all the tools from conversational hypnosis, you’ll be better than any mythological character.

Imagine the fun you can have!

Learn More:

Hypnotic Storytelling

Wrap Their Minds In Magic

Mesmerize The Entire Room

One time I was hanging out with a group of friends one night in a hotel lobby.

One of us mentioned he would like to be more socially outgoing.

Another one of us asked him a couple of questions, and then started talking.

For a few minutes, we just listened to this guy talk.

I had not clue what was going on.

Later I realized he was using Ericksonian Hypnosis.

Using NLP and bunch of other patterns to rearrange the guys fears.

Flipping them back on themselves.

The evening was pretty interesting after that.

When people think of being a charismatic conversationalist, there are two extremes to achieve this.

One is to forget yourself completely, and ask directed questions to your listener.

To expand the things they like, and get them talking in specific detail about things that light up their imagination.

Of course, there are limitations to this.

Make no mistake, it is an INCREDIBLY powerful way to get somebody SUPER EXCITED in a very short amount of time.

But the main drawback is you can only use it on ONE person at a time.

AND you have to be talking about things that are “OK” to talk about.

Which makes it PERFECT for sales.

But if you’re in any kind of social situation, where it’s not really appropriate to focus ONLY on one person, (and you might want to ask them things you’re not supposed to ask them about), what then?

Then you shift to the OTHER END of the spectrum.

Where you talk, and they listen.

Luckily, there is a systematic way to build up the things you talk about.

You’ll still be talking about normal things, but you’ll be talking about them in a way that will have everybody on the edge of their seat.

Hanging on every word.

What’s even better is you don’t HAVE to use this “system” on groups.

You can use it on individuals with just as must effect.

People you know, people you don’t.

All of it, or some of it.

And once you see the world through this communication model, nothing will ever look the same.

Learn How:

Hypnotic Storytelling

What Is She Waiting For?

Give Them The Gift Of Interpreting You

There’s a saying in seduction circles that’s meant to keep guys from texting or calling too much.

(But it works both ways).

It’s based on a mistake so common you’ll see it in plenty romantic comedies.

If you make yourself too available, the other person will lose interest.

This, of course, is based on the law of scarcity.

If we think something is NOT scarce, (e.g. abundant and always available) we’ll value it less.

If we think something IS scarce, we’ll value it more, assuming we have some affinity for it in the first place.

The saying is to, “give her the gift of missing you.”

The idea being when a girl likes a guy, she likes thinking and wondering about him.

When she is “missing” and “thinking about” him, it will make seeing him much more valuable.

On the other hand, if he’s TOO available, it will kill her feelings.

You can apply this theory to your language.

If you are always extremely clear and specific about everything you talk about, you won’t give them anything to wonder about.

You’ll be known as “detail man” since you are always going into huge amounts of detail.

While this is nice, they’ll have very little reason to think about what you are saying.

You’ll be conditioning them to “turn off” their brains when they see you.

Since you speak in so much specific detail, they don’t need to think.

To them, you’ll be like a TED talk on YouTube.

You don’t require ANY amount of interactivity on their part.

This is fantastic if you just want to give speeches about interesting topics.

But it won’t let them wonder about you.

One of the cool things about many movies and literature is we can discuss what it MEANS.

Everybody can have their own interpretation.

But this isn’t possible when you speak with such specificity there is no way to “interpret” what you are saying.

Nobody gets together to talk about what TED talks “mean.”

The implications, yeah. But not the meaning.

But we LOVE talking about the “meaning” of characters and stories and ideas.

When you can make “specific vagueness” part of your natural communication style, you will give people the GIFT of “interpreting you.”

Or wondering about what you really “mean.”

You’ll also develop the “aura” that most people like, but have zero idea how to CREATE.

Of somebody who is intensely interesting, but nobody is quite sure why.

Street Hypnosis

Beware The Flying Brains

Disengage Their Brains

A punctuation ambiguity is something that is VERY powerful in its “mind-fading” ability.

On it’s own, it will cause people to think their brains went offline for a second.

Which happens to us all the time anyway.

We’re listening to somebody talking, and our brains take a quick holiday without telling us.

Then they come back and we have to ask the person to repeat themselves.

This is pretty funny when you’re with friends, but kind of embarrassing if you’re in a meeting at work.

So when you use the punctuation ambiguity, your listener will think that’s what happened.

So you can have fun, gently pushing their brain offline over and over, or you can use it to build some REAL confusion, and slip in all kinds of ideas and commands.

The punctuation ambiguity is pretty simple. The trick is to deliver it like you are saying something perfectly normal.

If you smirk or smile, they’ll KNOW you’re the one playing with their brains.

The first couple of times you may be a bit nervous. So it’s a good idea to practice these on bartenders or waiters.

(Just be careful, a friend of mine tried this on a waitress and she messed up his order…)

But once you get comfortable with this, you can use one of these every couple of minutes, and by the end of a regular conversation, whoever you are talking to will wonder if they tripped and fell inside of a wormhole or something.

Anyhow, here’s how you make one.

Just take any regular sentence, and take the LAST WORD in the first sentence, and make it the FIRST WORD in the next sentence. Ideally the conversation should flow into the first sentence, past the ambiguity, and then on after the next sentence.

Example:

The other day I was shopping for shoe stores are starting to disappear since everybody is buying things online. I wonder what they’ll do with all that empty space?

They will feel a “topic change” since you’re talking about something different, but they won’t remember HOW you changed.

So they’ll try and “replay” what you just said, WHILE trying to listen to you talk.

Eventually they’ll say, “Wait, what?” with an embarrassed look on their face.

What happens next is up to you.

You can pretend you didn’t know, and keep talking about the SECOND TOPIC (empty malls in the example above).

If you keep dropping these in every couple of minutes, it will have a powerful effect on their brain.

And if you can work in some of the other patterns, so much the better.

Street Hypnosis