Category Archives: Decisions

How to Decide Properly

I had a friend who was always buying the latest kitchen gadgets on tv. He bought everything he came across whenever they showed those infomercials. I have to admit some of that stuff looks pretty good, but my friend would buy things, and then never use them. Or he would buy them and then use them only once. He would get really excited when the package arrived, and would usually open it, get all excited, go to the store and buy a bunch of stuff, usually more stuff than he needed to make whatever the contraption was supposed to make. I don’t know if you’ve ever done something like, but a bunch of stuff that you didn’t need.

I remember once he was talking about taking a trip to Australia. He had just a commercial sponsored by the Australian department of tourism, and they made it look pretty interesting. I’ve never actually seen a kangaroo in the wild. One thing though, is that he is afraid of flying. So he kind of looked into buying a boat ticket, but he couldn’t’ really find anything other than cruise lines that went down there. He had a bad experience on a cruise once, where he spent way too much money on things that you are not supposed to spend a lot of money on. Luckily, it was before he got married, so he didn’t get into any trouble with his wife.

It’s weird when you stop and think, because the reason those infomercials make so much money is from impulse buyers. I remember when I was a kid and I had a allowance, when you had to save for what you wanted. You couldn’t rely on impulse to guide you. You had to take a step back, and consider what it was that you wanted, because you only made a quarter a week, or whatever your allowance used to be. And when you focus on what you want, and save your money or find odd jobs to do (I used to mow lawns), it makes it easier to enjoy this, when you are able to buy what you want. Instead of being suckered into something that you don’t even know why you are buying it in the first place.

And he actually never went to Australia, because the time he took trying to find a boat other than a cruise ship took longer than his excitement lasted. So patience won out, as it usually does, because something like that knows how to wait. And when your brain decides to have a contest between two emotions, the one that doesn’t mind waiting around is the one that is going to win.

Which is eventually what his wife did. She enforced a strict rule where he wasn’t allowed to watch TV and hold a credit card at the same time. It wasn’t like she gave him pin money or anything, but he knew that if he bought something from TV, he would have to ask her permission, and if he still wanted it by the time they got around to going to the electronic store, then they bought it. She got to save them money, and he got to realize that a lot of things that he was buying were things that he really didn’t want in the first place.
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Feel Your Feelings Free Your Power

There is a guy who lives in my apartment building that I saw a few times when I first moved in.  I’d only seen him a couple of times as he was either entering or exiting his apartment, so I never really got a glimpse of his face. I’d only seen the back of him. And being as how I only recently moved in, I was a little wary of making sure to meet the neighbors under the right circumstances. And sneaking up behind somebody as they were coming home from a long days work isn’t the best way to meet somebody. And from I saw about this guy, I wanted to be careful. They way he was dressed, and the way his hair was cut, and the long single earring he had dangling from his left ear made me slightly cautious. I wanted to be sure and make a good first impression.

First impressions are extremely important. I remember once in a communications class I took in college. They said that a first impression of somebody is made within the first ten seconds of meeting them. One of the reasons they are incredibly important is because not only does it take a huge amount of willpower to overcome a first impression, but most of the time we aren’t even aware of the basic impressions we hold about other people. For the most part, they operate outside of our conscious awareness. We just kind of get a ‘feeling’ when we see a person. We’re not even aware that our incredibly fast brains routinely make hundreds of calculations in a few seconds to summarize all the data around us to give us that ‘feeling.’

Not that feelings aren’t important. They are incredibly important. If you don’t notice your feeings, you can scarcely make a rational decision. If that sounds like a contradiction, consider some experiments done recently on a poor fellow who had the emotional centers of his brain temporarily disabled due to a unique surgical procedure. He was completely unable to make a decision. You’d think with those pesky feelings out of the way, we would all think like Spock-like bulletproof logic, but it just isn’t so. Without feelings, we can’t feel desire, or notice what you want, and use these feelings to make a decision. Just because we aren’t aware of the thousands of incredibly fast circuits in our brain doesn’t mean they aren’t there, or aren’t important. The big secret is to accept all your feelings. Because when you accept and appreciate your feelings, you give yourself permission to access all the wonderful portions of your brain. You get to use your entire intelligence. Imagine what you could do if you could use your whole brain. What could you create?

Of course, the best part of the communications class was the incredible self confidence I was able to develop. It’s amazing what a public speaking class at a community college will do for you. Public speaking is one of the things that I recommend that anyone and everyone learn how to do. It will dramatically change your life for the better.

I did finally meet my neighbor, with his girlfriend, at the local grocery store. He really is a nice guy, who has an innocent smile that never quits. I’m glad I was able to hold back before I made any snap decisions about him.

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Reading for Pleasure

So you’re sitting there, reading this, wondering how you got here. You may be wondering whether or not you can find this useful, or you may be wondering if you will find this interesting. I know the feeling. You start to do this, and wonder how much you are going to get out of it. Sometimes you find benefit, sometimes you don’t. It can be a metaphor for life, if you think about it. You wonder exactly what it is you’re doing, and if you can really find this useful. Many others that regularly read this blog, like you, have been able to find really cool stuff here. Like book reviews.

I have a friend who works at a bookstore. He doesn’t really make that much money. In fact it makes barely above minimum wage. Despite the less than stellar pay, he is able to find it really interesting. He just loves to read. He finds it fascinating looking through all the books, arranging them on the shelves, picking up the ones people leave on the table when they are sitting around drinking coffee. (I love doing that.) He says just picking up the books and reading the backs as he is returning them to the shelves is the second best part of the job. He has this cart that he wheels around, and he takes his time, so he can read this and that. And he finds some really fascinating things that he didn’t even know existed. Cookbooks, exercise books, photography books. It’s absolutely incredible the amount of information you can find in a book store. And like I said, that’s not even the best part.

I actually met him a few weeks ago after he finished working. We met in the cafe section, and there happened to be a Toastmasters group that was meeting. And this guy gave a speech about goals. He was talking about setting goals, and how you need to make sure you know what is really important when choosing the things that you want to make come true in life. He said that it starts by thinking of something, now, that you want to achieve in life. Something really nice that you want to achieve. And when you think of that, you can ask yourself, what’s important about that? What is really important about having that thing that you want to achieve? And when you really start to imagine what is important about that, you can really begin to imagine how nice it will be when achieve that. And as you read this, you  might be able to do that yourself. I don’t know if you are able think of that now while you read this, but you can really find value in this, because doing this can help you achieve many things in life.

So after the guy finished his speech, my friend told me the absolute best part of working at a bookstore. He gets to talk to all kinds of different people each day. Especially when they come in to his shop, but they aren’t sure exactly what they want. He can help them make a decision, find something that they can really enjoy. And then he takes them and guides them to where the book is, and shows them how to choose from many options, so they can be sure that this is what they really want, and they can be really happy that they’ve chosen this. And since my friend is single, and half of the customers are females, well, you get the idea.

Which is what many people find when they read this blog on a regular basis. Because I like to write on so many different subjects, you can find many things here to read and enjoy. And reading things that you can enjoy is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

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Exposure Yourself to Wonderful Success

I have a friend who is a fairly successful person. He is the area manager for a particular large manufacturing company. We were talking over lunch a few weeks ago about our lives, and how we came to be where we are. One of those lazy conversations on a Saturday afternoon, when you don’t have any specific plans, and are content to allow the conversation to flow wherever it wants to go, you can decide to just go along for the ride.

He used to be a line manufacturing technician. These are the guys that work on the assembly line, and are in charge of only one aspect in the larger manufacturing process. He had noticed that there were changes they the company could make, that would save them a lot of money. And not a lot of money in the long term, possible future. A lot of money, right here, right now.

And he went home and told his wife, and his wife of course suggested he bring it up at the next meeting. After all, he was pretty well regarded at his job, since he’d been there for a few years, and had a good record. But my friend was worried for some reason. He kept coming up with excuses why he didn’t want to express himself at the meeting. Luckily for him, and his company, his wife knew him well enough to see that these were merely excuses, and not the real reason. And his wife was also wise enough to let him discover the real reason in his own time, without any extra pressure from her.

Some people, when they notice a friend or loved one making a mistake, or living life less than with complete resourcefulness, tend to pressure the person with short term tactics that usually backfire. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Many times it’s better to discover things on your own than to be told about them.

So my friend kept going to work, and the more he saw that his ideas would definitely improve the bottom line of the company, the more anxious he got. When I asked him about he said that if he told them, they would almost surely promote him. Why would that be a bad thing? I asked him. If he got promoted, then he would be a supervisor, which would the next level above where he was. Then he would have to conduct meetings, and speak in front of people, and people that were new and were being trained would watch him as an example, and so on.

When he finally explained all this to his wife, she was very understanding. She said to him:

You are much more knowledgeable than you think. You have great talent. You are not doing anybody any good by hiding your talent. You may think that by bringing more attention to yourself will bring discomfort and unease, but in reality, when you express yourself, people will know how smart you really are. People will know how much you really do have to offer. And that’s important, isn’t it?

My friend said that he was really moved by his wife’s faith in him. The next day, he went and explained his idea to his foreman. They used his suggestion, saved money, and of course, promoted him. And he said a strange thing happened, something he didn’t quite expect. Because of the extra attention he got, he actually had a lot more good ideas that he was aware of. And not only that, people were more than willing to help him improve in areas where he expressed an interest, because he was quickly being recognized as somebody that was a great source of knowledge to other people.

So what you are saying, is that you owe all your success to your wife? I asked him. He just smiled, and drank his coffee.

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The Unstoppable Power of Silence

If you are a smoker, or a drinker, or an overeater, and you’ve ever decided to cut back, or quit, you’ve probably heard the advice that you should tell as many other people as you can about your goal, in order to give yourself some social support to keep going, and some social pressure in case you backslide. This can be great advice. Many times I’ve had weight loss bets with friends to keep motivation high. I’m sure you can remember a time when you wanted to achieve a goal, or stop or cut back a habit and have been able to enjoy support form friends and family.

Other, more lofty goals, may require a different tact. These might be better left secret. There is an ancient law of magic that goes as follows:

To Know

To Will

To Dare

To Be Silent

Let’s break them down, shall we?

To Know.

Sounds simple enough. You want to do something. It helps if you know what you are doing. Skills. Techniques. Where to get resources. Many places can help you in this regard. Library. Friends. Mentors. Websites. Humans are by nature, very curious creatures, so finding information can be the easiest part of creating a reality that you desire.

To Will

This is where the fun begins. You have a vague idea of what you want. Happiness, wealth, sexual and emotional intimacy. To will you need to create a plan and make a decision to bring it into being. This is different from a wish, or a hope,  or a longing. This is a strong decision to create what you want, by hook or by crook. Or as the character in Apollo Thirteen put it so succinctly, you must decide that “Failure is Not an Option!”

To Dare

This is the scary part. You’ve decided you want to create a relationship. You’ve studied material on how to be socially adept, how to flirt, how to ask the right questions. You’ve made the decision to make this happen. Now there he or she is. You must walk over and introduce yourself. What separates the Bill Gates and the Tiger Woods and the Oprah Winfreys from the rest of the wanna be hacks is your ability to try and try and try again and again until you get it right. To be able to take action, over and over again, until there world is exactly how you want it. When you realize that life affords you as many chances as you are willing to take, this can be easier. The opportunity of a lifetime comes along just as often as you are prepared to take it.

To Be Silent.

This is where the metaphysical cool stuff starts. Some say that by keeping your goal silent, you build up psychic energy that will increase the your will and your ability to take action over and over again. Some say that you shouldn’t tell others about important goals, because they might give you reasons that you hadn’t thought of as to why you can’t achieve it. Sometimes this can be a blessing. When I was in high school I had decided to run a marathon. I told my best friend, and he told me, with as much good intentions as possible, that he didn’t think I could finish, and I might injure myself. I took this as a challenge, and allowed his disbelief in my ability to spur me on to finish. And hobble around in pain for a few weeks, but that’s another story. 

This is a rare case. Many times when you share your goal with somebody, unless you are a hundred percent decided that you will succeed, even the best intentions can derail you.  Another theory is that if you have a huge goal, even support can derail you. It works like this. Say you want to start your own company. You have this fantastic image in your mind with yourself being successful, with people giving you all kinds of props because of your great business. You use this visualization to pull you through rough patches of doubt. If you tell others, and they believe you and support you, their support and well wishes might take away the attractive pull of your visualization. If people in the present are giving you props for your dreams, the props you imagine receiving in the future might have less effect, and give you less incentive in those times of doubt.

So it boils down to the type of goal you want. If you want to lose weight, or give up a habit, it can help to enlist the support of others. If you want to create something fantastic in your life, be careful who you tell. Perhaps it’s better not to tell anybody until after you’ve already achieved success. If you are lucky enough to have a special relationship with somebody that will support you as much as you support yourself, teamwork can be a great asset. 

Otherwise, be silent. An powerful goal, unspoken to others, can grow to enormous proportions, giving you more power than you’ve ever dreamed. And you may be surprised how being able to tap this power will automatically give you an incredible mastery over reality unknown to most, and envied by many.

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Supercharge Your Life with Powerful Flexibility

So I was sitting there, waiting for the train. When I looked up the times on the internet, I mistakenly wrote down the train going the other direction, instead of the one going in the direction I wanted to go to. So I got on the train going the other direction, seeing I didn’t have any big plans, just to head downtown and maybe find a new coffee shop to hang out in. Funny how that works. You plan something, and then based on mistake or a whim, you can easily change your plans, that is if you can be flexible enough with your plans.

Some people make plans, but forget to dig deeper and uncover exactly why you are making your plans. Some people plan to do things because they think it is what other people expect them to do. Others plan based on what they did yesterday. I think It’s important to know the reasons for your plans, so if your plans don’t come through, you can always hold on to your reasons and put them someplace else that can be convenient. 

For example, my plan today was to find a nice quiet place to hang out, do some reading, some journaling, and dig into my thoughts to see if I can find something interesting that I’d forgotten was up there. Or maybe have a look around to maybe do re arranging or some general housekeeping type maintenance, which I’m sure you know is good to do from time to time.

But since I looked up the wrong time on the internet, I decided to catch the train going the other direction. I’d heard that there was a pretty decent shopping area that way, and since I’d never been there, I figured what the heck. I still had my backpack with my notebook, and pencils and pens to write with, so as long as I found a table that didn’t shake too much when I wrote, I’d be ok.

Turns out I was way more than OK.  I found a really cool little cafe that just opened a few months ago. They had some really tasty bagel sandwiches, and a really friendly staff and some pleasant background music against which I could easily write and think and arrange thoughts into more resourceful patterns.

Now had I gone in the right direction, I would have gone to the same coffee shop I’d already been to. I probably would have sat at the same table and eaten the same thing. Instead, I was able to discover something new, which was really there all the time. So when you think about it, I doubled a lot of things today. Before, I could only go one direction, but since I can now choose a direction, I have twice as many places to go. And because the new place I went to today is filled with restaurants, I now have twice as many restaurants to choose from. And because I can catch trains going both directions, I can be more flexible when deciding what time I have to leave.

It’s amazing how much the world opens up when you simply allow yourself to make mistakes, so that the unknown can become familiar and friendly. Because there are a lot of places in the world you can discover, and make friends with as you become used to doing new things for the first time. And one of the coolest things about that is you get to meet lots of new people along the way.

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Claim Your Incredible Sexual Power

You see a girl, a cute girl, across the room. Your eyes meet briefly. You think you should go over and do something, but your feet are suddenly glued to the floor. You imagine what you would say, and your heart begins to beat incredibly fast. You think of about eighteen million reasons all of a sudden why you shouldn’t go and talk to her. You are busy. She’s not your type. She probably has a boring personality.

What happens when you begin to become curious about what would happen if those self defeating thoughts didn’t enter into your brain? What would happen if you could discover a way to feel different when you saw a cute girl? Instead of feeling nervous and anxious, what if you could automatically feel incredibly confident and powerful? Sound too far fetched? Read on, because it’s not.

Have you ever discovered something really incredible? Have you ever come across something that was really able to make an incredible impact on your life? For me it was when I learned some specific public speaking skills. Before, I got incredibly nervous when I even thought about standing up in front of people. Even people I knew. But when I learned how to control my anxiety, and even use the natural energy that you produce, I was able to learn how to feel incredibly confident when I was speaking in front of people. How about you? Have you ever discovered a skill or technique that made your life easier?

As you think about that, imagine how good it really feels to discover something new. To take a look at something, and when you see this, you can’t help but to think that this is something that can really help your life. This is something that can help you to become incredibly powerful.  And as you sit there, and continue to read this, I wonder if you can start to imagine how you took this knowledge, and were able to apply this to your life in incredible ways so you naturally became more successful. How many examples can you think of, in your own past?

One thing that separates children from adults is the ability to make a decision. To see something you like, and instead of waiting for permission, instead of waiting for somebody to tell you that it will be ok, you just make a decision and go after what you want. Imagine you’re at the grocery store. You want to buy something. You check your pockets to make sure that you have enough money. You think about what it is that you want to buy. You look around, and see it. That’s it. You decide then and there, that’s it. No hesitation. No wondering if it’s the right thing. No worrying about what people will think if you go over and grab whatever it was that you were just thinking of.

How would you like to feel that way when you walked into a bar, or a party? You look around, choose the girl you like, and make a decision right then, and right here. The same process. The same process that you used to buy something in the supermarket, without hesitation, you use then to choose what girl you want to talk to. You don’t worry about what people think, or what she’ll say, or what goofy line you want to use. You just look around, see something that you like, make your choice, and let the chips fall where they may. How would that be? Would you like that? What would life be like if you could do that all the time? Do you think that would make you more attractive to cute girls? You bet it would.

One product that I’ve used over and over, as it is filled with useful techniques to get you to that mindset, is the Alpha Male System. And because the Alpha Male System is so full of useful techniques, I’ve read it at least a dozen times, if not more. And not only will it give you exactly the right things to do and say, but it gives you incredibly powerful techniques to work on your ‘inner game’ as well, so doing and saying the right things become incredibly easy. Pickup experts and gurus alike agree that this is one of the finest products out there to improve your life in this area.

I’m not going to tell you to go and buy this now, because you are smart enough to make your own decision to buy. And you don’t have to buy it now, you can go have a look now and decide to buy it later if it’s more convenient. The important thing is to realize that as you continuously develop your skills with whatever materials you can get your hands on, you can’t help but to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. And the Alpha Male System is an easily affordable and natural step in the right direction.

You can have a look by clicking here.

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Tap the Wisdom of Your Mind with the Ancient Secrets of the Pendulum

You’ve received a stunning job offer. It has everything you want. Money, perks, the corner office with a window. Three secretaries. Only one problem, it is halfway across the country.

What do you do?

You have a job you truly enjoy that offers incredible personal satisfaction, and you know you are really making a difference, but you only earn minimum wage. You receive a letter in the mail saying you’ve been accepted in that MBA program you applied for only half seriously a few months ago. Do you give up your rewarding minimum wage job in the pursuit of financial success? Or do you stay in your low paying job, content in the knowledge that making a difference is what truly matters?

What do you do?

It’s Friday night. You’ve decided to order a pizza. You are not sure if you want pepperoni, or anchovies. You love them both. But if you eat them at the same time, they will mix and create a gastric disaster.

What do you do?

There are two ways to make a decision. Rational, logical, like Mr. Spock, or the other way. The old fashioned way. The way that the Samurai’s of ancient Japan referred to when they said that “every life changing decision must be made within seven breaths.” Trust your instinct. Your intuition. Your gut.

But how do you know? Unless your gut talks to you, (and if you think it does, maybe you should see a doctor,) how do you know exactly what your gut is telling you?

There are two ways to look at this. According to the laws of known science, and according to the esoteric laws of metaphysics.

According to the laws of metaphysics, your intuition can be thought of as a connection to ‘infinite knowledge, or infinite intelligence.” Many have spoken about this. Brian Tracy, Napoleon Hill, Wallace Wattles. According to these sages, who incidentally based their information on the sages that came generations before them, say that there is some ‘source’ of information that everyone can access. This ‘source’ has infinite knowledge of all that is, all that was, and all that will ever be. We might not have the capacity to understand all of this knowledge, but you can get general advice if you quiet your mind enough, so that you can listen carefully.

According to the rules, or understandings of science, biology and neurophysiology, the brain is an incredibly powerful computer. Able to take in literally billions of bits of information at time, sort and categorize, and then decide which to make consciously available, and which to store unconsciously, for later use. According to this model, when you ask yourself a life changing question, the brain sorts through all of your life experiences, compares them to the experience you are contemplating, and then comes up with an answer. Sounds wonderful and helpful, until you realize that this ‘answer’ usually comes in the form of a vague feeling. If we could only get our brains to make us feel hungry for yes, or thirsty for no, it might be easier.

One really cool way to tap your unconscious is to use a pendulum. Any pendulum will do, a chain with a weight on the end, like a necklace. Or a piece of string with a paper clip, anything that can swing back and forth.

What you need to do first is to calibrate it. Get a flat surface to swing your pendulum over, something that you can write on. A piece of paper on a table or desk will work fine. It’s important to keep the paper from moving, you’ll understand why in a second.

Hold the pendulum so that it hangs over the center of the paper. Now ask yourself a question where you know the answer will be yes. For example “Am I male (or female)?” Then just relax, and watch which way the pendulum swings. Ask another “yes” question. Watch the pendulum swing. Wherever the pendulum swings most over the paper for your ‘yes’ questions, is your yes ‘quadrant’ of your paper. After you have determined your ‘yes quadrant,’ make sure your don’t turn the paper. That will mess up your results. I usually tape it on the table or desk before I begin.

Next, you do the same thing, only this time use several ‘no’ questions. Questions you know that you’ll get a ‘no’ answer to. This will determine your ‘no quadrant.’

Now you need to ask your real question, phrased in a yes or no question. (Just like the magic eight ball.)  If you are getting fuzzy results, that is, if the answers are neither clearly yes or no, keep rephrasing the question. Pretty soon you should get a clear answer. You’ll be amazed at how well this works, and how well you can use this to unlock the wisdom of your own subconscious mind to help you get what you want out of life.

One thing to keep in mind, is that you will have to re-calibrate every time you do this. You’ll need to check and see where the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ quadrants are, because they will change based on your mood, tiredness, hunger, emotional state and other factors. It only takes a few minutes, and this can be a valuable tool that you can use in your quest to make decisions that support your goals in life.

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Christmas Camellia

This morning I saw this old guy that I usually pass by on my morning walk. “Ohayo Gozaimasu!” I said, as I usually do. (‘Ohayo gozaimasu’ is Japanese for ‘good morning.’) It seemed that he ignored me. I slowed down a bit, because he always responds in kind, and very cheerfully. He didn’t even seem to make any attempt at eye contact. I turned to look and see what he was looking at, and all I could see was a bunch of camellias over across the road.

Camellias are an interesting flower. They are nice to look at, and bloom when all the other flowers around them have decided to take the winter off. Maybe they think they got the short end of the stick, but I’m not so sure. Being a contrarian can have it’s advantages. Especially if you are a contrarian just because of chance.

For example, when you make a choice, some people base their decisions on internal factors, and others make their decisions on external factors. If you decide largely by internal factors, you will have your own reasons for doing that, without any regard to what other people will think. Like when you decide to get up a 5 AM and exercise every morning. You don’t do it because it’s popular, you do it because you’ve decided to do it for your own reasons. Other people make decisions based on external factors, or other people. Those people make decisions based on how other people think, or how they imagine other people will think. It’s almost like allowing a giant group of imaginary people make your own decision for you.

Like sometimes I’ll see a group of kids walking to school. They are supposed to walk in a straight line, with some designated kid the leader. Sometimes, though, I see a kid hanging out in the back, like you do sometimes when you decide to march to your own drummer, and kick a rock while you walk.

And sometimes when you decide to be a contrarian just for being a contrarians sake, you get extra benefits. That’s one of the reasons why the camellia leaf is used to make popular tea. One of the most popular ones is called Christmas Camellia.

And it turns out that old guy didn’t say hi because his wife had bought him a pair of earmuffs that affected his hearing a bit. Hear I was thinking he was marching to a different drummer, but that different drummer turned out to be his wife.

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What’s Important About That?

I met an old friend of mine for dinner the other night. He seemed really upset about something. I kept pressing for details, but he didn’t want to upset my seemingly good mood. I have been on an interesting diet lately, and many people have been telling me that I look like I’ve lost weight, so I’ve been able to act a little happier than normal. But finally, my friend caved and told me his problem.

Turns out he and his wife had been planning on taking a vacation as soon as they could get their respective vacation times at their jobs to coincide. Their bigger plan is to take on last vacation together, kind of like a second honeymoon (even though they’ve only been married 2 years) before starting to build a family.  Seems that they take a pragmatic approach. Get married. Save money. Have kids.

“So what’s the problem?” I asked. “You guys sound like you’re really together! You guys are able to plan your life together, and make your plans that that you an easily achieve them. You are a lot better than most people. Most people shoot first, then maybe think about aiming in couple weeks. What gives?”

After my friend explained his problem to me, I understood. It seems that they both had their respective hearts set on a specific vacation place. And they both assumed that the other person had agreed to go to their place. And when they sat down to plan their fun, they realized that they weren’t on the same page. And since they both kind of viewed this as a ‘last vacation together’ kind of thing, neither of them wanted to budge.

Which is interesting in and of itself. Most people can make plans, and then follow through. But we can run into problems when you don’t communicate well with others who will be involved in those plans. It’s like when other people don’t object, we assume that they will go along with us. I reminded my friend about this, as raising a kid requires that you be flexible and communicate well. I asked my friend that since they were both guilty of the same thing, if they could compromise.

“What do you mean, compromise?” My friend asked. “I want to go here, and she wants to go there. They are totally different. One person has to lose for the other to win.” Aha. I thought I saw the problem.

I was reminded of a business negotiation seminar I took. We would role play being different business situations, and practice these negotiation skills. For example, a Union Boss would want more health benefits, more vacation time, and higher pay. The Business Manager would want to save money wherever possible. The trick in being a negotiator, was to keep asking “What’s important about that?” Until you got a point where the Union Boss and the Business Manager could find a solution that would satisfy both of their respective deeper needs.  

For example, the Union Boss’s underlying concern was that the workers would realize that the company was serious about taking care of them, as the increases in health benefits and wages were really only symbolic. And the Business Manager was concerned with the long term growth of the company. As a ‘pretend’ negotiator, I explained to the Union Boss that the more stable the Business manager thought the future of the company was, the more willing he’d be to extend their long term contracts. And I explained to the Business Manager that by giving just a little bit of a raise, they would be much more willing to lock in that rate if it were for an extended contract period.

It was an interesting seminar that taught a lot about negotiating, and the importance of communication. Especially when you are able to find out what’s important to the people you care about, so when you make plans for the future, you can be sure to involve everyone.

I explained this to my friend, and we actually role played a few scenarios between him and his wife.  After a few practice rounds, he was convinced that they would be able to find a new place which would satisfy both their vacations needs for their second honeymoon. 

They invited me over to dinner a few days later. I tepidly asked them about their vacation, hoping I wasn’t precluding myself from any future dinners by starting world war three.

They both immediately broke into huge grins. Aha! I thought to myself. Maybe they would at least give me partial credit for solving their marital problems. Where would they go? Greece? Italy? Mexico? Maybe they’d let me house sit. They have a really nice, really HUGE flat screen HD TV.

“We canceled our vacation!”

Huh?

“We decided to put the money into an extra room. We’re building a nursery!”

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