Tag Archives: Emotions

Beware Of Infinite Loops

Answers

That’s what she wanted. She had been waiting for me for almost two hours, when I came wandering up. Where was I? Why didn’t I call? How could I do this to her, didn’t I know that she felt like a fool standing there all alone like that for so long? What must people think about her?

Calm down, I told her. We’ll get to the bottom of this. I showed her the text she’d sent me last night, and showed her my watch. Not an “in your face” kind of thing, but a gentle “here’s is the evidence that you may be incorrect” kind of thing.

Maybe that wasn’t the right course of action. Now she was angry that I was late, had been stewing about it for two hours, and just found out that it was he fault. Still needing somebody to blame, she tried to ask me why I didn’t call to confirm, to send a text back reminding her of the time.

Seeing as how I was totally innocent, it took a lot of willpower not to throw some snappy zingers in her face. I waited until she was finished.

“Well, it’s three O’clock, and we’re here. What do you want to do?” I asked, more than half hoping she’d stomp off in anger. This didn’t have the makings of a pleasant afternoon together.

“Whatever. I don’t care.” She said coolly. I had learned a long time ago, (albeit through several slow and painful lessons) that hoping somebody would change their attitude by telling you didn’t like it was useless at best.

I figured I’d give her one more shot, and a chance to save some face.

“Well, the movie starts in thirty minutes. Should I buy one ticket, or two?” I asked as calmly as possible, keeping myself completely open for either answer.

I was reading this book once that was talking about emotions. The guy was saying that humans have this strange way of thinking. We have thoughts, and then thoughts about those thoughts. And thoughts about those thoughts. And every step of the way, we have an emotional reaction to the thoughts.

They used to think that emotions get in the way of thinking, and decision-making. That emotions are completely separate from logic. It used to be generally accepted that if you were more like Spock, you’d be able to make much better choices and decisions, and wouldn’t be swayed by powerful emotions like anger, embarrassment, guilt, or lust.

By some brain surgeons decided to do an experiment. They were doing surgery on this guy. They were removing a tumor, and in order to get to it, they had to cut through several areas of his brain they thought were responsible for emotional thinking. This was only a temporary part of the surgery. They figured as long as they were in there tinkering around, they would test this logic-emotional theory.

Since brain surgery only requires general anesthetic (there aren’t any pain sensors in the brain) the guy could be awake, and responsive to questions. They figured they’d ask him some logic-based questions, starting with easy ones, and then getting to more and more complicated ones. Ones that most people have a hard time answering because of their moral and ethical considerations, like if you are in a boat and you only have on life preserver, who do you save, the President (who is opposite of your political party) or your favorite pet (or some other emotionally convoluted question).

These doctors had theorized that since this guy’s emotional circuitry would be temporarily disconnected, he’d be like Spock, and spit out purely logical answers.
But what they found was the opposite. Without emotional input, he couldn’t even make the most basic decisions. Without the emotional juice fueling the options, they seemed to him like a question of preference between a banana, and six. Later he said he couldn’t even begin to know how to answer the questions given him.

This, of course, sent neuroscientists into a tizzy, as it gave some great insight into the human decision making process. Of course, this was only one single case, and they can’t very well go off messing with peoples heads and disconnecting their emotions just to see what would happen.

But it does make sense from an evolutionary standpoint. Humans evolved to make decisions for a reason, not to pass the time through idle philosophical discussions. Pain or pleasure, safety or danger, simplicity or complexity, these are all emotionally fueled ideas that power all of our decisions.

But according to that book I mentioned before (Mind Lines by Dr. Hall) we get into trouble when our emotions are based on judgments not on reality, but on our interpretation of reality. Someone cuts you off in traffic, and you make a judgment about that. You assume they are a jerk. Then you have a reaction to your judgment of them being jerk. Then you feel a certain way about that. Within a few seconds, you get angry at feeling guilty for being judgmental about some guy you assumed was a jerk that cut you off in traffic.

So when she had been standing there for two hours, getting angrier and angrier at me for being late, it didn’t matter one bit to her that it was her mistake. Of course, when I posed my question to her, it invoked the power of commitment and consistency. (See Cialdini, Influence, Science and Practice). She’d been waiting for two hours, she wasn’t likely to just up and leave five minutes after I finally showed up. (Finally according to her frame.)

I suppose the moral of the story is that whenever you come up to someone that has been building layer upon layer of emotions, it may be a good idea to simply give them an either/or option, take a step back and see what happens.

At the very least, it can be fun to watch.

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How To Cut To The Chase And Communicate With Assertiveness And Without Confusion

The Secret To Effective Communication

I’ve been reading some really interesting books on language recently. Specifically a couple by Stephen Pinker. If you haven’t read any of his stuff, or seen any of his lectures, you should. If you want to watch a couple of his talks, head on over to ted.com and do a search for his name. You’ll find a couple.

One of the things he mentioned in one of his books is how people will rarely use confrontational language. For example, if you are sitting at the dinner table with friend or family, even if you’ve known them your whole lives, you would rarely make a direct command to pass the salt. Most people use an indirect command, or even an indirect request.

So instead of simply saying:

“Hey, Joe, pass me the salt.”

We usually say something like:

“Could you pass me the salt?”

Or

“Would you mind me the salt?

Or, (if you just watched the movie “Office Space,”) you could say:

“Yea. If you could just pass me the salt… that’d be great. Yea…”

The underlying principle I’m getting at here is that humans rarely will confront each other with language. So we’ve developed all kinds of “weasel words” and “weasel phrases” to sneak in our requests to save face for both ourselves, and the person we are asking. Maybe this stems back from our evolutionary days of living in small groups of people, where getting rejected and ejected from the tribe meant certain death, so we have a deeply built in aversion to confrontation.

The most obvious form of confrontation is war. During times of war the enemy is dehumanized and animalized to make it easier to kill them. Nevertheless, there have been stories of soldiers from opposite sides of the battlefield forming instant bonds in unique circumstances.

Even when arguing with spouses, loved ones, or bosses and co-workers, we couch what we really want to say with these weasel words and weasel phrases.

For example, if you yell at your husband “you’re always late!” Is that really what is bothering you? If he were late because he was working overtime in order to get a better salary so you could afford a bigger house in a bigger neighborhood, would you still be angry? If he was a doctor, and was the best neurosurgeon in the world, and sometimes had to perform marathon surgeries, would you still be angry? Maybe, but probably not.

So when somebody yells “You’re always late!” The issue really isn’t being late, the issue is what the person assumes “being late,” means. And usually this means that they don’t care about the person enough to not be late.

So why don’t we just say “You don’t care about me!” That would cut right to the chase, wouldn’t it? Maybe not. What if we said “you don’t care about me,” and they said, “Yea, you’re right. I don’t.” Then what?

By focusing on the “being late” part we avoid directly confronting the deeper issue. Just like being reluctant to ask for the salt, we are much more reluctant to face a deep fear of a horrible and painful rejection.

So we get in fights over being late, leaving the cap of the toothpaste, and leaving the toilet set up or down or whatever. We dance around the issue that we are afraid to face directly.

But guess what? Your biggest fears almost never come true. The things we are terrified of the most will probably never happen. Even if they do, they won’t be nearly as devastating as we think they will.

This can be difficult to accept, let alone learn how to deal with. People spend years in therapy just to uncover what their deeper issues are, and then years more to figure out how to deal with them.

Just realize that when you are fighting with somebody, you are rarely fighting about what linguists call the “surface structure” of the argument. It’s usually not about being late, or leaving the cap off the toothpaste.

If you can take some time, on your own to find out what you think that really means, then you’ll have much more of a chance of dealing with it appropriately and effectively.

One easy trick that you can use today is from an old assertive method. Just express how you feel when somebody does something you don’t like. Avoid assigning meaning to their actions; just let them know how their actions make you feel.

This too, can be difficult as it raises fears of rejection. But you’ll be surprised what a positive effect it will have on other people. No longer will you be putting them on the spot or putting them on the defensive. You are simply letting them know how you feel and allowing them to choose how to respond.

How To Take Ownership Of Your Emotions

Who’s In Charge Of Your Brain?

I was listening to this lady on a talk show the other day. Apparently she is well known best selling author of several books. I was doing other stuff, so I wasn’t really watching, more like listening in the background. Every time they said something interesting, I would pause momentarily to check this out, as this sounded like something that might be of immediate benefit.

She was talking about setting goals, and other stuff. She had written a book that, at least in my opinion, puts a kind of a new spin on an old idea. That old idea being that while you aren’t in control of much of reality, you are, whether you realize it or not, in complete control of how you respond to your reality.

The one thing she mentioned that grabbed my attention and made me focus on this was that you should claim ownership of all your emotions, and emotional responses. The biggest thing we say to ourselves is “he makes me so … whatever.” As soon as you imagine that somebody else has some kind of magical power over your emotions, you lose. Your emotions suddenly become out of your control and at the whim of every passing stranger you see.

See some guy that reminds you of somebody that broke your heart in high school?

BAM!

You just voluntarily gave up control over your emotions to some stranger on the street. Somebody says something in a tone of voice that reminds you of the way your second grade teacher used to embarrass you in front of the rest of the class?

WHAM!

You just served up your hot button of emotional pain to somebody that wasn’t even thinking about you all that much when they were speaking.

You hand in a report you worked on all week to your boss, and he makes some comment that indicates he is not as appreciative of your efforts as you’d like him to be, causing you to feel resentment, anger, and dangerously close to giving him an attitude that may negatively influence your next review?

SMACK!

You just grabbed the metaphorical loaded gun he was holding out of his hands and shot yourself in the foot with it.

So how do you assume ownership of your emotions? Just like any other response, you need to practice. It helps if you think of things like this not in touch-feely terms that are usually vague and not much help, but more like a sport.

If you’ve never played catch before, you would likely need to practice before you can play catch with somebody, listen to your mp3 player, and watch girls walk by all at the same time. You need to consciously focus on the ball as it is coming at you, and focus on moving your glove to just the right angle, and closing it at just the right time, with the precise amount of force.

It might be a little clumsy at first, but the more you practice, the more automatic it gets.

The same goes with responding to the world. The first step is to simply practice stopping and thinking how to respond in certain situations. Instead of standing there waiting for your emotions to kick in, you can make a choice to quickly observe the situation objectively, and think of the best response. Any emotional response comes only after you brain realizes you don’t have one already prepared, and it looks for the nearest one that may work. Usually this doesn’t work out so well.

Just by getting into the habit of stopping everything, and choosing the best response before you emotions come up, you will generate enormous choice and emotional freedom.

For the boss example. You hand in your report, and he dismisses it as not being good enough. It would be nice to always be given warm fuzzy pats on the back for our efforts, but at work we only get paid for the results. (And truth be told, this is true of most relationships as well.) So instead of getting upset that you didn’t get any props for you hard work, think of it objectively.

Boss asked for report, employee turns in report, report is insufficient. What would be the best course of action? Find out exactly in what areas the report is insufficient, and exactly what would be required to remedy that. And remember that next time your boss asks for a report, be sure to find out exactly, as specifically as possible, what is the intention for the report, what information needs to be in it, what he is actually going to use the report for, how is he going to use it, etc. This can help misunderstandings.

For the guy on the street, well, he’s just on the street. If you see somebody and are getting a funny feeling, stop and ask yourself, “Do I know him? Does he know me?” If the answers are both “no,” then any communication between the two of you is based on a completely random set of circumstances of which you never fully understand. That way you can place no meaning on any interaction at all, and quickly be on your way.

One powerful trick to ask yourself if it’s too late, and you are already angry or hurt at something somebody does, is to ask yourself “Why did I choose to feel hurt, (or angry, or whatever.)” That will give you immense power over your situation.

And if you are interested in reading more about this woman that was on the talk show, her name is Byron Katie, and she’s the author of a book called “The Work,” and lots of other stuff. You can check out here website at:

http://www.thework.com

There’s all kinds of free information, and videos to watch, and worksheets to download to help you get more control and take back ownership of your emotions.

Have fun.

How To Get To The Bottom of Vague, Manipulative Communication For Instant Emotional Rewards

When humans communicate we rarely are upfront and clear about our intentions. Many times, most times in my opinion, we don’t even know the full extent of our intentions. How many times have you gotten into a fight with somebody, and after wards you were wondering why in the world you said what you said?

It’s hard enough to clear air after a particularly nasty fight, even harder when you aren’t sure why you were fighting to begin with. Underneath our words and sentences are emotions so deep and complex many are afraid to even acknowledge their existence.

It’s no wonder that communication can sometimes be difficult. Sometimes the words themselves with are seemingly impossible to argue with, even though they give you a deep “icky” feeling inside. Many times we unconsciously try eliciting an emotion in somebody else through manipulative tactics because we aren’t willing to address, or even understand our true needs.

For example. Lets say your girlfriend or boyfriend says to you:

“If you loved me, you’d know when I was angry.”

If you address this accusation at any logical level, you are doomed from the start. Simply by engaging in the conversation, you will be at an emotional disadvantage.

If you disagree, and try to assert that you do indeed love them, you are admitting you don’t know when they are angry. There’s just another reason. So you are admitting that you can’t read the emotions of your partner.

If you disagree, and say you know when they are angry, you are tacitly admitting that you aren’t being clear, because they don’t feel that you know. Another defensive position.

If you agree, then you are tacitly admitting that you don’t love them, because the “If you loved me..” is in the second conditional, meaning a description of an event that isn’t likely true. Yet another defensive position.

No matter how you respond to the actual words or logic in the sentence above, you are doomed to fail. The sentence is constructed to elicit a defensive emotional position, no matter how answer it. Of course, you will feel obligated to apologize for your horrible actions, thereby making this an extremely useful manipulative tactic to solicit an apology or admission of wrongdoing, or an admission of responsibility for your partner’s cruddy emotions.

However, there is another way. Ideally, you want to let your partner know that while you acknowledge their emotions, you are not responsible for them. They are. To do this in the above example, you need to keep your cool, and not get drawn into an argument, no matter how covertly it has been set up.

There are a couple ways of doing this. One is to simply be vague, and not give credence to what they say. This is good for dealing with people that you don’t really have a vested interest in creating a lasting emotional relationship with (like a coworker or somebody else you are kind of forced into dealing with.)

In this case you just pause, as if you are thinking and say:

“Hmm, maybe you’re right.” And then go on about your business. Because the above claim (if you loved me, or cared about me you’d..whatever) has many different levels of meaning, it puts the ball back in their court to explain exactly what they mean.

If you are interested in keeping a health relationship, you’ll need to ignore the surface language, and address the likely underlying emotions. In this case they are either feeling unloved, or they are feeling angry. Just pick, and carefully ask for more information. Be sure to keep an even keel, and not get drawn into an argument.

“What is it about me that makes you think I don’t love you?”
“And why does that (whatever that is) mean that I don’t love you?
“What is it about me that makes you feel angry?”
“Why does that (whatever that is) make you feel angry?”

The trick is to let them know you are interested in them feeling better, while at the same time making them aware that they are responsible for their own emotions.

This can take some practice, but it is very powerful in getting to the bottom of difficult emotions and feelings that can clutter up an otherwise health and rewarding relationship.

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The Mirror of Your Soul

I was riding a bus recently to another city. There was a particular art exhibit I was interested in, and because it was fairly small, I had to travel to another city to see it. It’s one of those things that you know this is really special when you see this, even if you can’t put your finger on it. It’s like there is something here that you can’t really describe but you really feel compelled to come here and look. Some people feel this way about different forms of music, or poetry, or performance art. Others feel this feeling about certain restaurants or shops. It is something defies logical explanation. But for some reason, you feel strangely compelled to see this.

So I was on this bus ride, and I was sitting next to this guy who was reading this book on esoteric philosophy. Just judging by the way he was reading the book, it seemed to be a deep subject. He would read for a few moments, and then look out the window, as if in deep thought. Then he would get his look of recognition on his face, and then turn back to the book. He did this several times, until I finally got up the courage to ask him about the book. I could only see the partial title, and I’m not even sure then if I could make out the title correctly.

He said it was a philosophical book about human emotions. The particular section that he was reading, and kept looking out the window to digest, was based on some writings of some ancient Indian scholar. He said the name a few times, but for the life of me I can’t remember even how many syllables it contained, let alone how it was pronounced. But he said that humans are basically transmitters of our emotions. That when humans come into contact, we communicate long before the first words are spoken.

If you are in a particularly high vibrational state, that is if you are holding “good” emotions predominantly in your body, like confidence, acceptance, appreciation, you will be primarily attract the emotional energy of others, as it matches your emotional energy. The converse is also true. If you hold more “negative” emotions, like fear, anger, jealousy, and judgment, you will attract those emotions as well.

He also said that if you have a mix of the two, negative and positive, like most people do, whenever you come in contact with another person or a group the “average” emotional energy will generally win out. He said that the transfer and commingling of emotions among people could be treated almost as a science. The secret to attracting people in your life that you want to support and help you, is to first become that which you want to attract.

He said that many people fool themselves into thinking they are emitting positive emotions, when in reality they are emitting emotions of need and lack, and they have convinced themselves otherwise. That is why this is such a hard concept to understand, because of our strong ability at self-deception.

He said that the real secret is to first understand yourself, and your emotions before trying to worry about those of others. Once you get a hold on your own emotions, the rest is easy. Because once you dig deep enough, and hold your emotions positive, that is all you will attract, and the rest will disappear. I asked him exactly how to do that, and he said that he hadn’t gotten that far in the book.

I told him that you should keep reading, until you can discover the secret here. Then find me and tell me about it. He just laughed and went back to his book, as if he knew something that the rest of us don’t, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see. If you have any secrets, please share them, so we can figure his out.

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Third Chakra

Move through life with power. Consider the opinions and judgements of others while maintaining the complete freedom to disregard them at will. Spin your mind in new and directions for incredibly insightful creativity. Have a supreme autonomy of will to resist even the strongest of temptations.

All this can be yours when you accept the power of the Third Chakra. The Third Chakra, known in some circles as manipura, is centered just below the sternum at the solar plexus. The color is yellow. The Third Chakra is responsible for mainting emotional stability, individuality, and creativity. And because you are naturally capable of being able to tap this source, you can begin to imagine the power that will come when manipura is your ally. Ask yourself the following questions before you begin your meditation. Keep in mind that you don’t need to find answers right away, simply because you are able to honestly ask these questions of yourself and to remain open to answers in whatever form, you will receive benefit.

Who are you?
Who are you before you ask this?
Before you were born, who were you?
Who are you that answers this question?
What if?
How can project safety and calm the emotions of others simply by being near?
What else is there?
Are you?

Breath deeply, in, out. In. Out. Imagine a small ball of bright yellow light emerge just where your stomach meets your ribs. Slowly. In. Out. Breath in the source emotional energy with your inhale, and as you hold it for a brief moment, allow it to charge the yellow ball. As you exhale slowly, allow the yellow ball to slightly increase in size. Slowly. In. Out.  Repeat this process until the yellow ball is surrounding you.  Protecting you. Keeping you safe and separate. Your own thoughts. Your own beliefs. Your emotions obeying your wishes. Sit inside this ball for seven long, slow breaths. That’s right. In. Out. Allow the yellow ball to slowly shrink down, until it returns into your solar plexus.

How does that feel now, knowing that you have such incredible power and safety and strenth,  Just below your heart, ready for you whenever you need it? When you walk through the world now, what will people see in you that is different? What will people see in you that they are now naturally drawn to because of your subtle yet powerful increase in strength? How many ways can you think of to connect with them?

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