Tag Archives: Nonsense

What’s Black And White and Can’t Fly?

I Really Have No Idea

Last week I was at the grocery store, waiting in line. It was one of those times when you have to make a split decision on which line is going to be moving the fastest, if you take too long, somebody will get in front of you, but if you make the decision too quickly, you may inadvertently get behind some old lady that is paying with a specific combination of pennies and food stamps depending on that days horoscope.

There are several factors that go into making this quick decision, and they must be considered properly. If you are lucky, and you are familiar with the people that work there, you may discover a cashier operator who is particularly skilled. That make the decision easy, as no matter how long the line is, you can be sure that he or she will process any amount of customers faster than her next nearest competitors.

Unfortunately, on this particular day, there wasn’t any such identifiable checker, and all I had to go on were the amounts of food that people had. Usually, you look for items that have a clear bar code. Somebody that has a basket full of boxes and cans is usually going to be faster than somebody that has an odd assortment of fruits. But then sometimes, if you judge how quickly somebody will get through the line based on their contents alone, you might end up behind somebody that will decide to engage in a heated cell phone discussion just before it’s time to pay the tab, and try to count out the exact change while in the middle of their conversation.

Then there’s always the possibility that a new line will open up when you are halfway to the register in your current line. If the new checker is professional and conscientious, then they will personally come over and choose the next customer. More often than not, however, the new checker will merely shout out

“I can help whoever is next!”
And leave it up to those waiting to fight for the newly opened first in line position.

So as I was standing there, pondering my choice, I heard a voice behind me speak.




I turned around, and didn’t see anybody. As I tried my best to ignore the seemingly imagined voice, I chose my line. As I shuffled to the front, the checker looked at me and started ringing up my things. When she came to the total, she looked at me and said:


What the hell? Had everybody gone stark raving insane? I ignored her, and looked to the register fro the total. Sixteen dollars and forty-seven cents. I laid a twenty on the counter.

She dutifully snatched it away, and quickly counted out m change.

“Penguins, penguins, and penguins.” She smiled, handing me my three fifty three.

Um, yea.

I walked out to the parking log, trying to remember where I’d parked. Oh, yes, that’s right. I don’t have a car. So I got onto my bicycle and put my groceries into the basket. As I was riding home, I saw one of those huge billboards that flash the news across.

“Several deadly penguins escape from the insane asylum. Caution is warranted.”

What was going on? Since when are penguins deadly, and since when do they put them in the insane asylum? You’d think they’d just keep them in a different section of the zoo if they had a problem with them. The light up ahead was red, so I stopped, and waited.

I looked to my right, and standing on the corner was some strange guy that I seemed to recognize, but couldn’t quite place. Maybe we belong to the same penguin club.

Wait, what the hell did I just type?

OK, full stop. Something is happening, and I’m not sure what it is. Deep breathe. Stand up. Stretch. Sit down again. Flex the fingers.

Think something, and try to type it. Ok, I’m thinking about a peanut butter sandwich on toasted sourdough bread. Let me try and type and see what comes out.


Crap! What is going on? Maybe I need a break. Lets try this again. Think something different. Beach. South America. Margarita. Shade. Music.



Forget it, I give up.

Please check back tomorrow for future updates. We are experiencing technical difficulties. All penguins are penguining for further penguination. Crud.

Why Turtles Will Someday Rule The World

Once upon a time there was a small community of turtles. They had existed relatively peacefully over the years, surrounded by various other communities of various other animals. Sometimes there had been some interactions between communities, of different levels. Although on the surface the reasons for such interactions were humanitarian, the underlying reason was always the same.

Competition for resources.

They would always meet under the pretense of exploring the outlying regions, which neither of the communities had the ability to do alone, and they were always worried about what they would discover. On the one hand, they worried that they would discover a magnificent resource, which would lead to ultimate war and destruction.

On the other hand, they were worried that they would discover something much greater than they were, something that would think they were a mere resource, to be used and discarded. And of course that would also lead to the ultimate destruction of them all.

Either way they ventured out into the unknown each time with a great deal of trepidation. And each time they returned empty handed. Until this time.

This time they found something so incredibly powerful they couldn’t help but to question their own existence. They couldn’t help but to question the reason for their small communities on the bottom of the ocean.

The other day I was eating a tuna fish sandwich, when suddenly I realized I had forgotten to set the timer on the washing machine. I don’t usually do that, which is strange because I don’t even have a washing machine, let alone a timer. And sometime when I forget to do things that I don’t normally remember how I was wondering about this, it kind of makes me step back and think about the reason for all of this.

Anyways, back to our story.

So they found this magnificent resource, and instead of fighting for, they decided to see if they could share it. And they tried valiantly for thousands of years before they realized that it was just no use at all. And that’s when they came to the startling revelation that they didn’t really need to get along, and that by warring over resources, they were actually improving their species.

Which of course leads to another point about this story.

Turtles almost never forget. Which is why they will someday rule the world.